Priyanka Yadvendu: Reflections and Lessons from a Wildly Intimate Woman
I can’t believe 2017 is here! I can’t believe 2016 is complete. Every year, I feel the same thing. Yet this year wasn’t fast enough as previous ones. In fact, it went slowly at times. It was a confronting year. It was a difficult, “in my face” kind of year.
I had an inner stirring that this year was going to be eye-opening and transformative, though I had no idea in what ways and how. I’m so, so, so proud of my transformation and now I realize why it had to happen. Though as everything was “happening” and unraveling, it certainly didn’t feel that way.
I didn’t have the iron clad hold to everything and everyone that I clung to. Every time, I felt I was finally in control and things were happening the way I wanted it to, something would occur and just let that reality turn to dust. It was difficult. It was painful. I cried most nights truthfully. I couldn’t understand why and what was happening.
Revisiting My Past
I started the year being made permanent full-time employee at my current company. I was really happy about this because I enjoy working at my company and team. It also meant I would receive benefits and higher compensation. Major win!
I also started the year having arguments and back and forth type exchanges with men. It would feel I went one step forward and then two steps back. It was painful. I stopped dating around March because I realized I couldn’t emotionally and mentally handle it. I was also living at home with my parents at this time at our Fremont house.
I also had several emotional breakdowns and outbursts. It was confronting and scary for my family to witness. When you’re going through such times, it’s not candy floss and pleasant for your family and loved ones to see you going through this.
My closest friends didn’t understand what was happening to me. I slowly withdrew from them and literally didn’t have the energy or desire to maintain my friendships and relationships with them. It’s not that I felt good about this, but I felt no desire to even maintain a relationship with myself.
I had to move slowly in order to comb through every single area of my life and let go and release everything and everyone, and more importantly, my belief system and patterns. I contacted several men with whom I had some kind of romantic past/liaison and who specifically made a huge impact on my life and had caused me to grow significantly. I met with them and had conversations in person.
It was nice to meet with them and also deeply emotional. I could understand why things hadn’t fallen into place for us and helped me become more humble and see them as sensitive, fragile, masculine, wonderful men with their own flaws just as I had mine. I let go of the pain and anger. I topped this all off by journaling the experiences and writing letters to them that I never sent them and burned, where I said ALL I had to say literally.
These experiences left me feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Please keep in mind I paced this out and really went with the flow and followed my inner guidance. I didn’t meet them all at once. I wouldn’t be able to have energy for a week or two after an experience and drag myself to work. Yet I could feel my soul opening. I could feel light entering in me. I felt lighter and incredibly free.
Releasing Past Baggage and Healing Old Wounds
I now understand why I had to move back in with my parents. I had to face all that I had been avoiding with my family and especially myself. I had been in a long-term relationship with a man older than me who I had fallen deeply in love with and this was really the most significant relationship romantically I had to come to terms with.
As it unraveled, I unraveled. My ego had to unravel so the layers could fall away one by one to reveal the real me. The true Priyanka.
I hid this relationship and several secrets from my family and especially from myself. One by one, they all tumbled out to my family. Sometimes, from a place of love and deliberate conscious decision-making, other times, from a place of sheer anger and frustration and pain and not by choice.
When it didn’t happen by conscious choice and I would try to keep something in, my soul literally wouldn’t let me. It would just all come tumbling out. My family was definitely shocked. It’s like they didn’t know their daughter.
Ultimately though, it made me feel so much more liberated and in touch with my emotions and intimate and closer to myself and my family. I’m not saying this freeing feeling and intimacy was easy to get to, though it was necessary and made me feel lighter.
Throughout this time, I was also working with a female embodiment coach and I’m very happy I made this decision because this was supportive and nourishing to me as I went through this part of my life.
Family Moving from Our Family House
In 2016, my family made the life-changing decision to move from our Fremont home. The time had finally come for this decision to be made and we all made peace with it. We were truly looking forward to the next chapter of our lives.
Though when it actually happened, it brought up my ego, anger, and pain, as well as everyone else’s in my family. We had lived in that house for nearly 25 years. I and my siblings spent our childhood there and many, many beautiful memories and happy times were created there. My parents built our house from scratch to the magnificent structure it became.
We became very emotional and vulnerable in letting go and releasing this part of our lives. Tears were shed and sweet, gentle, sensitive, angry, painful words were said. Through everything though, we became closer and ultimately became stronger.
My family bought a new beautiful home that is perfect for us today and I must say I feel so much peace and happiness in our new home and my soul sensed the moment it laid eyes on it (before it was ours even) that this is the perfect home for me and my family for where we are in our lives today. It was going to birth more beautiful times and happy memories and I told my parents their grandchildren would all be playing here.
What about My Debut Novel, Enchanted Silence?
I haven’t spoken much about my debut novel, Enchanted Silence, because my plan of how this novel would become a reality didn’t occur quite the way I anticipated. As you may know, I had signed with a literary agent and she was my literary agent for nearly two years.
Signing with a literary agent was one of the happiest moments in my life. I still can’t believe it happened really. I felt deeply grateful for this as I know it’s not easy for this to occur.
When it was time for my novel to be presented to publishers and I submitted my final draft of my book with all my revisions to my literary agent, I unexpectedly heard from her that she was releasing me from our agreement and contract.
She wasn’t sure how feasible my novel with its cultural and other elements would be in today’s market and the time that I had signed with her was now very different from the publishing climate today. It was a purely professional decision and I respected that.
It didn’t mean that I wasn’t shocked. I was also sad and hurt. With life and the Universe. We parted ways amicably and wished each other the best in our paths moving forward. I didn’t really know what to do next with the book, so I just let it sit on my computer for some time, until I decided to self-publish it.
I’m deeply thankful to my friends and strangers who’ve been buying the book and posting reviews. It was a huge learning experience self-publishing and I learned to go with the flow and really own my novel as it’s directly from my own life experience.
It also led me to work with another coach. Once I completed working with the female embodiment coach on my personal life and I felt happier and healthier and more intimate with my being, I worked with a creative transformation coach. Another life-changing experience.
In another post, I’ll dive into more detail. All I’ll say for now is it was magical, transformative, edgy, and scary in a good way and pushed myself from my comfort zone tremendously and gave me the courage to be deeply vulnerable and seen in my creative work.
Here is my novel Enchanted Silence on Amazon if you’d like to grab a copy: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FQ75XM6
Moving Forward in 2017
In short, what I have learned from this year is that it is time to evolve and expand. Move forward to the next phase and level of life by releasing and letting go and making peace with the past and learning the lessons and wisdom to invite the greatness and miracles and magic that life wants to bestow upon me.
I have an inkling of where life wants to take me now. I don’t know the full plan, though I don’t need to know anymore. I no longer have a desire to be in “control.” All of my ego and fears have evaporated. My beliefs have been upgraded.
I believe with every fiber of my being that I deserve and am worthy of so much beauty, abundance, and magic in my life. I feel lighter now and more connected to my deep truth and who I am as a person. I feel my soul has been activated and I’m now on the right path.
I have decided that for 2017 I have only two areas I’ll be focusing on: Money and Personal Life (Love/Marriage). I’ve signed up to work with a money coach so I can become intimate with the divine, sacred energy that is MONEY. It is a five month journey and I’m really excited to be working with her. I have a feeling this is going to be powerful. I’ll keep you updated.
The other area is my personal life. For far many years, I’ve pushed my personal life to the sidelines. Not anymore. I am a deeply emotional person who craves and absolutely needs and desires intimacy and closeness in my relationships, especially with my partner. I feel marriage and partnership is the next step of my soul’s evolution and expansion.
I’ve bought several books to learn more about marriage and how to have a happy marriage and overall really learning more about myself throughout the process. I intend to be more honest, sensual, vulnerable, playful, and present with my partner.
I’m also working with guiding words for the first time ever. It’s a way to decide on a word or couple of words that guide your year and manifest your life and experiences you desire to create during the year. Through reflection and feeling, I have come to the conclusion that I desire to have more experiences and life filled with: ABUNDANCE, RICHNESS, MAGIC, SEXINESS, INTUITION
I’m joining a workshop next week learning from the beautiful Vienda Maria on how to do this. Here’s the link if you’d like to join as well: http://viendamaria.com/2016/12/free-video-workshop-think-manifesting-intuition-planning-for-creating-the-best-year-imaginable-wednesday-11-2017/
All in all, thank you so much for your support, kindness, gentleness, and attention throughout 2016. It’s a big part of what helped me get through and move forward. I’m excited to see what 2017 brings to me and to you. Happy New Year! ❤
Lots of Love,