Taking Responsibility for Having Vibrant Health and Loving My Body and All It Does For Me

Dear Reader,

Until this year, I’ve taken for granted how much my body does for me and how much of a true blessing it is to enjoy vibrant, great health and enjoying a beautiful body.  Going through my sexual awakening and personal journey, I am starting to love the body I have and all it does for me.  I look at every part of my body with awe.  I am listening to her closely.  Listening to the messages she provides me.

It is also this year that the simplest of tasks take great energy for me.  It is the result of work, sadness, and other factors in my life.  When I have to make dinner, I have to push myself off the sofa or bed I’m lying on.  Or even to go to the restroom.  I don’t have interest to go about my daily life.  And this feeling scares me.  I’ve had major meltdowns and mood swings.  I also just feel really scared.  Scared of talking to someone or opening my heart or trusting someone.

I know that life is very precious.  It is very beautiful.  I’m working on feeling happy again.  Feeling these positive feelings again in my life.  I also came to the realization that the corporate world is not for me.  I’d like to transition into a role that will allow me to fully rest my body and do the things I love in my life and focus on enjoying vibrant health.

I read the book Adore Your Cycle by Claire Baker and fell in love with it.  It teaches you how there are four seasons to a woman’s menstruation cycle: spring, summer, autumn, and winter.  I found the book to be captivating and it truly opened my eyes to the role my cycle plays in my everyday life, emotions, energy levels, moods, and hormones.  I can actually accurately predict my mood swings and when I will feel more sensitive.  I highly recommend you to the read this book, dear Reader. 

It will bring a new level of love and awareness to your self-care routine and lifestyle.  You will know when you have more energy and when you need to deeply rest and harness this beautiful information to your creativity, sexuality, and day-to-day normal life.

I am also giving close attention to the foods I eat and consume on a daily basis.  I eat more greens, veggies, and fruits.  I drink more soy milk and green juice.  I eat sourdough bread because it apparently breaks down in our body system and digests more easily.  I used to feel nauseated in the mornings when I woke up and would have to immediately jump out of bed and put something in my mouth.  I felt like I was going to faint if I didn’t eat something.  I felt this between meals, too.  It worried me because I ate food and didn’t understand why this was happening.

Until I observed my body and did research.  I did a juice cleanse for three days and noticed how with only drinking juices and liquid soups, I didn’t have that nauseated feeling at all.  It amazed me.  Then, I realized I wasn’t eating enough fiber and this created that feeling in me.  I immediately started to eat more fresh fruit instead of fruit juice and more green veggies in every meal.  I also drink a lot of fresh green juices I make myself or buy from an organics juice shop.

The one thing that I’m working on and need to greatly improve is to exercise much more and move my body.  I feel lazy and lethargic and it’s something I’d like to do for pleasure and vibrant health.  Dance may become my form of exercise and I’m looking into various dance studios because I’d love to dance.  I’d love to dance well.  Most of all, I’d love to dance from my heart and soul.  With passion and energy.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu


Image source:  Pexels

Reflections from 2017: Fresh Starts and Year Filled with Richness and Beauty

2016 was all about letting go of people and situations that didn’t serve me.  It felt like a push and pull year.  It was an emotionally intense year where I nearly cried myself to sleep every day.  I’m proud that I was committed to trusting the process and surrendering last year because now I know why it happened.  2017 was a completely different year.  A fast, active, social year filled with new beginnings and light in my life. 

2018: A Magical Year Filled with Romance and Love

2018: A Magical Year Filled with Romance and Love

A fresh chapter has arrived and the pages are turning.  Since I am knowledgeable about astrology and numerology, I knew 2016 was year 9 of my 9-year cycle.  It made sense because that year was about completion and endings.  Whereas 2017 was about fresh starts and beginnings.  2017 was year 1 of my brand new 9-year cycle.

Because I knew this, I knew the beautiful, sunny energy of Year 1 would support me in anything I wanted to do and initiate this year.  I consciously used this magnificent, bountiful energy to transform the two areas of my life that needed the most transformation: MONEY and ROMANTIC LOVE.  

Falling in Love with My Money…

I spent the first six months of this year working with a Money Coach deeply unraveling my beliefs and patterns surrounding money and understanding with confronting clarity the emotional reasons on why and how I handled my money the way I did.  Why I made the decisions I did.  I learned how I didn’t love myself very much and gave my power away to others.  Slowly, piece by piece, I gave the power back to myself. I worked on clearing my credit card and started to put a portion of my earnings into savings every month.  I realized that taking care of money and my finances is just as important and part of self-care as baths, massages, etc. and an act of deep self-love.

For the FIRST time in my life, an emotional energy and deep love powered my financial decisions.  I knew why I spent a certain amount every month and why I saved every month.  In fact, I renamed my bank account savings to: My Wedding + Self-Love.  Because this is exactly why I’m saving money.  For myself.  For my wedding.  For me.  To show love to myself.

Saving Money is a deep act of self love and taking care of myself.  By the end of 2017, I am really proud that I have completed paid off my credit card.  The past 2.5 years I thought of my credit card every moment.  Now I feel this beautiful sense of relief and pride.  And abundance.  And I also have a financially abundant bank account and never have I before had such a healthy, loving relationship with money.

I deliberately chose to work on the money part of my life first because sexual energy intertwines and bonds romantic love and money.  In other words, the seductive sexual energy creates life and magnetizes the flow of money.  By working on my money stuff, I knew I was working on my sexual energy and romantic love life at the same time.  I noticed how my sexual appeal and magnetism as a woman greatly increased as I did deep inner work on my money.

Romantic Love Experiences

Around March this year, I had an experience with a man which turned out to be deeply emotional, sensitive, and intense.  I don’t want to go into detail, however I will say the meeting wasn’t pleasant and it reaffirmed the deeply embedded subconscious beliefs I held of myself that I am not worthy of true love and that a man won’t stand up for me and want to be in a loving, committed relationship with me.  It has taken months for me to process this experience.  It was a deeply painful experience.  Everything that I felt about myself reflected to me through him.  And I must have been a mirror for himself as well.  I knew I had deeper inner work to do surrounding love.

This experience transformed me in ways I cannot explain still.  I read many books and blogs on romantic love across all topics – sex, commitment, communication, dating, self-worth.  Basically, I learned how to have a relationship and be in a relationship.  Something we all assume will just come naturally to us when we meet the right person or start dating.  We assume that there isn’t anything to learn about relationships because well, it’s not like math or science or English in school.

And I didn’t just read…I did the inner work.  I dove deep into my soul and searched for answers and more importantly, the right questions.  Because all my life I thought being in the perfect, loving relationship was a dream and would fall into my lap only if I was lucky and fortunate.  I wish someone told me that I am responsible and a creator of this relationship.  By first creating a loving, committed relationship with myself and accepting and embracing who I am completely as a person and my flaws and my self-worth.

I’ve heard this so many times and understood it on a mental and intellectual level, though to put this in action.  To do the inner work and take the actions to love myself and create the relationship of my dreams.  That was something else!  It meant facing my own shadows and darkness.  And it was scary and chaotic and a beautiful mess.  And completely worth it.  So after my money work, I continued working with my first coach whom I had worked with much earlier and went deeper in the realm of love, sex, and desire.  I showed up for myself and this work.

Around July last year, I also moved home and this also proved to be the right decision for me.  I was able to save more money faster and since my family lives in a more relaxed town with a slower pace of life than the rest of chaotic Silicon Valley, I was able to seek true joy and pleasure in my life and make time for my family and friends and most of all, my self and my desires.

I created a new in person workshop that integrated everything I learned about Money and Romantic Love and called it Invite & Receive Romantic Love & Money.  I facilitate this workshop at a gorgeous hotel and it is such a pleasure for me to support the women in their romantic love and money areas of their lives.

I ran this workshop twice and the participants had beautiful words and praise for it which made my heart filled with deep love and gratitude.  There was several requests to run the workshop again during the Holiday season, however I decided to focus on slowing down in November and December and enjoying the Holidays.  The Holidays bring up mixed emotions in me, though overall I enjoyed myself during the Holidays.

Moving Forward in 2018 and My Vision

I’ve taken time into January to write this post because I wanted to gently enter the new year.  I wanted to be present every moment of the Holiday season.  Now that I’ve had time to process 2017, I’ve felt into how I want 2018 to unfold.  I let my guide words for this year come to me.  And here they are….ROMANTIC, EROTIC, MAGICAL, SEDUCTIVE, EASEFUL

I want the focus to be entirely on my personal romantic love life and going deeper in my sexuality this year.  I really want to experience romance as I’m a Taurean woman and we love romance and sweetness 🙂  I continued with the word Magical because I want this year to be even more magical than 2017.  2017 was indeed very magical and I want to continue on this same path this year.  Erotic and seductive is how I desire to feel in my sexuality and with a man.

And I also continued the usage of the world Easeful because I want everything in my life to unfold with gentle, feminine ease.  I don’t want to  push and strive to fulfill my desires.  I’ll listen to my intuition and soul’s guidance and then take inspired action.  It’ll be a beautiful dance between doing and stillness.  I want to enjoy the journey of receiving my desires and seeing them become fulfilled.

I am going to continue to work on my money and I want it to feel easy receiving large sums of money and earning money in creative, fun, and healthy ways.  I intend to deepen my now healthy, thriving relationship with money.  I want to feel richness with my money.  The action steps I’ll take is to complete the Modern Retirement Planning workshop, save more money each month, and earn money easily and creatively through my Invite and Receive Romantic Love & Money workshops.

I also know that 2018 is Year 2 of my 9-year cycle which means this year is going to be tremendously different from the past three years that were intense and filled with transformation.  Year 2 is a very emotional, slow-paced, and gentle year yet filled with intensity and sensitivity.  This is the year for me to become intimate with my Beloved and form a deep bond with him.  This also means it’s not a year meant for action or initiating huge projects.  It’s more of a go with the flow year and focus on building a strong inner foundation which will create a strong external foundation.

There will be moments of intensity and I’ll feel sensitive and I’ll have to be patient with myself and other people in my life and take time to connect with my inner stillness.  Keeping this in mind, I feel it’s the perfect year to focus on my health and body.  I’m working with a body coach to feel deep love for my body and feel peace with my relationship with food.  It’s working wonders because I don’t have a love-hate relationship with food anymore.  I approach food from a place of love and practice intuitive eating.  I’ve also starting taking dance classes and working out at the gym.  Instead of going crazy on my exercise routine and pushing myself, I work out in a gentle, loving way that honors my body.

I also do feel the desire to connect with something more than myself.  With God.  With the Universe.  Whatever name you decide to call it, for me, it’s God and the Universe.  I am feeling an intensity to visit Churches, Temples, and other places of worship.  I’m not even sure why.  I do know that I feel the calling and hence I’ll honor it.  Perhaps this is my way to feel calm and centered and peaceful this year as I understand my soul’s plans and learnings.

And most of all, this year is devoted to exploring my beautiful, sublime, erotic, and seductive sexuality.  Embracing all the soft and fiery elements of my sexuality and womanhood.  I intend to feel satisfied, happy, orgasmic, and feminine in love and expressing my wildly deep feminine sexuality with myself and my Beloved.  I want to feel affection and loved and stable and supported.  I’m currently speaking with several sex coaches and determining who will be the right fit for me.  And once I do, I’ll commit to my sexuality by working with my sex coach.  I’ve also started reading several books on sexuality and sex and have an ongoing jade egg practice.  I intend to be committed in a long-term, loving relationship with my Beloved this year and committed to my own happiness and peace of mind.

I hope you have a beautiful, magical, easeful 2018 filled with happiness and do the things and have experiences that bring you joy and surround yourself with people who bring out your best.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

By |2020-05-27T01:54:54+00:00January 21st, 2020|Life Lessons, Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

The Power of Release Rituals: How I Let Go of My Novel Lovingly

“Strong emotions such as passion and bliss are indications that you’re connected to Spirit, or ‘inspired,’ if you will.  When you’re inspired, you activate dormant forces, and the abundance you seek in any form comes streaming into your life.” – Wayne Dyer

The first print copy of my debut novel Enchanted Silence landed in my mailbox.  I excitedly took the package and tore it in a hurry.  There it was.  The official print book in my delicate hands.

The Beauty and Power of Release Rituals Allows You to Move Forward with Peace and Openness

The Beauty and Power of Release Rituals Allows You to Move Forward with Peace and Openness

Tears suddenly rolled down my cheeks.  My fingers gently touched the cover.  The book looked magnificent.  A deep throbbing rocked my chest.  My dream had finally been realized.  And then all excitement washed away.

Memories flooded my head of how this book was completed.  The man with whom I had been in an intense relationship with for four years helped bring this book to fruition.  In love at the time, we sat together at coffee shops going through page by page and perfecting it.

It was how I fell in love with him.  Our relationship and him greatly inspired Enchanted Silence.  I couldn’t bring myself to print the first copy for months because it was too painful.  I lived most of the events in it.  I had always imagined we would still be together holding the first copy in our hands happily married.

That didn’t happen.  A lot changed in my life since our relationship.  I went through a deep unraveling and surrendering, peeling away layer after layer to reveal the authentic Priyanka.  I had come so far in my life.  I had finally let go of this relationship and was ready to move forward in my life.

Then, an inkling of courage stirred in me.  I had to love this book as my own child.  And I had to let it go with love and respect and mark official completion of that whole phase in my life.  I had to stop clinging to my past and instead embrace the present and my new future.

I lit candles and played soft music.  I poured myself a glass of wine and took a sip.  I lit a gentle fire safely and burned every page of Enchanted Silence until there wasn’t any as tear after tear rolled down my cheeks.

When I completed the release ritual to let go of my novel lovingly, I sat down in exhaustion.  But something had changed in me.  I felt free.  I felt space in me.  I felt open.  I was ready to turn the page and onto the next chapter of my life.

If you’d like to do a release ritual or ceremony to help you release something or someone in your life, here is what you can do:

  1. Set a morning or evening on your calendar for the release ritual.

I personally love to do release rituals in the evening, sometimes even late in the night.  I’m not a morning person and for some reason, the night feels divine and sensual and sexy to me.

After I go through my day, I find it comforting to complete my day with a beautiful ritual.  I feel a sense of wholeness and deep connection to my spirit and then I go to sleep.

  1. Prepare a loving environment for your release ritual.

I light candles everywhere and prepare a cup of tea to soothe and calm nerves and have a peaceful ritual.  Other times, I pour myself a cup of wine to sip on as I go through my release ritual and give it a more sensual mood.

It all depends on how I’m feeling and I let my body tell me what it wants.  Play music that suits your mood.

  1. Write your intention in your journal.

This is one of the most important steps.  It is essential that you have an intention in mind for your ritual.  What do you want to release?  Why do you want to release it?  What are you making space for?  How do you want to feel when you release? 

When I decided to release my novel Enchanted Silence, I wanted to let go of the novel I spent many years writing and was still attached to.

  1. Write in detail and to your heart’s content.

Write as long as you need to in your journal or letter.  I go in depth about how I’m feeling.  After I have the intention written, everything else flows.  The words come from the depths of my soul.

Let your heart guide the words and your feeling.

  1. Burn the letter in a safe place.

This is the crux of the release ritual.  I burn the letter in a safe place and watch the sheet(s) of paper burn away.  There is something deeply divine about this process.  It gives you a sense of completion and accomplishment.

  1. Celebrate the release ritual and the new space created in your life.

Congratulations!  You have now officially completed the ritual and created sacred space in your life for what you’d like to draw in.  Celebrate what you have created and how you have released it with a whole lot of love and kindness and most of all, respect.

Honor what you have released because it was a part of your life and who you were and has led to where you are today.

What would you like to lovingly let go of in your release ritual?  How do you want to feel afterwards?  What would you like to invite into your life after your release?  Please share with me in the comments.



Image source: weheartit.com

Enchanted Silence: Move to The Next Chapter of Your Life By Honoring Your Past and Navigating Your Current Transition with Ease and Flow

I can’t count how many times I’ve been in a transition.  My previous transition had occurred around May 2015 when I quit my job, ended a relationship, moved out of my apartment, and went to live with my parents.  A couple months later, life was pretty different.  I started working again.  I approached my work very differently.

Navigate Your Transition with Ease and Flow

Navigate Your Transition with Ease and Flow

Instead of dreading going to work and keep fantasizing about the future, I decided to stay grounded in the best.  I decided to seek pleasure and joy in my work even if I was doing tasks I didn’t enjoy.  I made a decision to feel love in my body and heart in where I was in life at that point in time.

Every morning, I went to work and took my journal.  Before I started checking my emails, I grabbed a cup of coffee and wrote five things I was thankful for in my journal.  I’m proud to say I did this consistently and still start my day like this.

And I would choose a specific feeling to focus on for the day and practiced feeling it moment by moment.  That’s it.  And then the next day I chose another feeling.  The feelings varied from happiness, joy, peace, to ease.

When going through a transition, it is important to trust the process and let it unfold without any interference.  That means to get out of your own way.  Your mind is meant to support your heart’s desires, yet most of the time our mind creates chatter and self-talk that is not supportive and instead critical.  And your mind will create a bunch of excuses or jump to a conclusion.  Every time that happens, bring yourself back to the present moment and take a deep breath.

Most of all, don’t judge the process and your feelings that arise during the transition time.  Take your time and if you feel resistance or intense emotions arising, then go deep and slow.  Hold yourself dearly like you would to your friend who needs extra support and kindness.

In Enchanted Silence, Shivani decides to take a leave from her office job to go to India for her transition into the internship in Mumbai, India where she would learn about nonprofits and her passion, social causes.  She ends up taking stock of her past and making peace of it and moving forward to start a new chapter.  The whole process for change starts from within and becomes reflected in her external world.

Sensual Practices:  Make time for your pleasure, but go slow and deep when loving your body.  I like to take a feather and brush it against my skin and whole body and feel fully every stroke of the feather.  You may want to stop or become impatient, but stay with the practice.  Do it for at least five minutes and feel every emotion that arises.  This will help you to stay in the present moment and when you are anchored in the now, you will find synchronicity, guidance, and comfort flow to you that will help you to move forward with ease and flow.  It’s a simple, but powerful exercise.

Intuitive Practices:  Get a deck of tarot cards and do a reading for yourself is soothing and can provide you with guidance and simply support you to believe in the unseen and have faith that what is unfolding is for your higher good.  You can even go for a professional tarot card reading or energy healing to deeply support yourself during a transition.  Or open up a journal and write how you want to feel during this transition and what fears are arising and what self-care practices you will take on board for your well-being.

If this post resonated with you and you’d like to move to the next chapter of your life by honoring your past and navigating your current transition with ease and flow, please get in touch with me and schedule time with me to become more Wildly intimate with your desires and goals.  I’d love to hold space for your own deep transformation, dear Wildly Intimate Woman.


Image source:  CAMP Collection

Enchanted Silence: Cultivate a Stronger Relationship with Your Intuition So You Can Hear Your Inner Guidance with Clarity

I go on and on about intuition because it truly is life changing when you learn to listen to your intuition.  Every single person on this planet has access to their intuition.  It’s a river of deep wisdom that runs through you and your body.  The question is whether you let yourself listen to it. 

Strengthen Your Intuition to Deeply Connect to Your Inner Guidance

Strengthen Your Intuition to Deeply Connect to Your Inner Guidance

And if the answer to this question is yes.  Then the next question is: How do you listen to your intuition?  That’s a great question.  The answer varies for everyone.  In short, the answer is that you must create the right conditions and environment in order to strength your relationship with your intuition.  In order to listen to your heart’s inner guidance.

Have you planted a plant or flower?  Do you remember giving it the right amount of sunshine, water, and space to blossom and flourish?  There were days when you had to actively pour sunshine, water, and whole lot of love and attention?  Other days, you stepped away and let it do its own magic.  You couldn’t see the magic, but it was happening under the soil in the roots.

In Enchanted Silence, remember when Shivani decides she’s done listening to her aunt Anita, ex fiance Shaan, and everyone else.  She decides she is ready to listen to her self.  To listen to her Enchanted Silence.  In other words, her magical intuition.  That is when her life begins to transform.  Her relationship with Alan Nicolaisen flourishes.  She gets the courage to speak up at her work.

Intuition is very similar.  First, you make the clear choice you’d like to listen to your intuition.  Once that choice is made, there is some cleaning up and decluttering to do.  Chances are the environment and conditions aren’t perfect.  You haven’t been listening to your intuition all this time or even for several years, so it’s going to take some proactive, action steps to get there.

Stillness and space is one of the best ways to access your intuition.  When I speak about creating the environment for your to listen to intuition, this is what I mean in actual, practical steps:  Clear time in your schedule and have space in your day to day life to be with yourself.  To simply be.

Last year, when I was going through my unraveling process where I had to surrender, I knew there was something transforming happening behind the surfaces.

Even though there was much letting go for me to do, the only way I could truly embrace my surrender and letting go and process it fully was to have time and space to do it.  

I couldn’t be too social and go out.  It was me putting my head down and feeling everything deeply.  Allowing myself to heal with this gift of time and space to myself.

My body responded in a similar way.  When I made myself be more active and get busy, it just didn’t want to or let me.  Perhaps you’re not going through a deep unraveling process like I was last year, even then it is essential to create the space and time.

I definitely understand the busy time we live in, giving time and attention to our jobs, relationships, and friendships.  Then, wake up 30 minutes earlier than usual and allow yourself to lay still on your bed and become aware of your thoughts.  Set time aside for prayer or meditation.  Or keep one day on the weekend where you spend the day with yourself and do things that fill you up with joy.

I find the best practice for me is to stay anchored in the present moment.  I let the moment dictate how I want to flow and allow my intuition be my inner compass.  My intuition carries two different flavors.  It carries information to me in a light, breezy, gentle way.  It comes and tickles my body and soul and I flow in the direction of the guidance.

Other times, my intuition is persistent and tugging at me to take a specific action or give my attention to something.  I try to ignore it and it gets louder and louder, so I end up doing what it asks me to.  I do want to add that yes, listening to your intuition leads to beautiful creations, actions, and moments.  It makes sense afterwards why you felt called to listen to your guidance.

There are also several times when you feel compelled to do something and it doesn’t lead to a pleasant or desired outcome or moment.  It brings up pain or stirs intense emotions within you.  Sometimes, listening to your intuition leads to this and it is still for your higher good.  It’s all part of a grand unfolding that you don’t understand at the time and makes sense later.

All in all, take the time to cultivate a stronger relationship with your intuition moment by moment and give yourself the time and space to listen to your inner guidance with clarity.

Sensual Practices:  I love connecting to my inner sensualist by doing breast massages on myself.  There is a process to doing breast massages and you can do a quick search online to learn more about the technique and process.  It is said much emotion, pain, and energy is stuck in your heart and chest area and doing breast massages often brings up such emotions.  I found myself crying when I started doing them initially, though I cleared emotion and pain in my body and I felt lighter and better.  Either immediately or some time after, I found guidance come to me.  I found my body holding deep wisdom.

Intuitive Practices: 

Meditation is another favorite way of mine to connect to my intuition.  I do guided meditations and listen to simple nature sounds to meditate.  I also even lay in my bed or sofa or sit upright and simply breathe in and out and let the guidance come to me.  To be honest, this is a practice that takes time.  Meditation is just like anything else.  It takes consistency and practice.  You may feel your guidance flows to you so clearly one day and another day, not much comes to you.  When that happens, go about your day and you’ll find you’ll receive answers or guidance several days or weeks later.

I also like to have variety and even meditation gets boring at times, so I journal or freehand write or walk or drive randomly or even go out and meet a friend to get my body moving and feeling joy and I find that strengthens my relationship with intuition in a beautiful, sparkling way.

If this post resonated with you and you’d like to cultivate a stronger relationship with your intuition so you can hear your inner guidance with clarity, please get in touch with me and schedule time with me to become more Wildly intimate with your desires and goals.  I’d love to hold space for your own deep transformation, dear Wildly Intimate Woman.



Image source: thetypographyart.co.uk


By |2017-04-15T10:37:06+00:00April 15th, 2017|Life Lessons, Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

Enchanted Silence: Be More Real, Raw, and Vulnerable and Feel All Your Emotions, No Matter How Intense

Emotions are like the ocean’s waves.  They come in and go.  Sometimes, the waves are huge and come in crashing.  Other times, it is gentle and sweet.  Because of the rather unpredictable nature of emotions, most are uncomfortable with their own emotional nature and cut off from their emotions.  How do I know this?  Because I was one of those people 🙂

Be Real, Raw, and Vulnerable

Be Real, Raw, and Vulnerable

I was very cut off from my own emotions.  I made myself numb and pushed them away in an effort to not deal with them.  I didn’t want to be vulnerable and sensitive.  I wanted to forge forward in my life and career and even relationships.  The funny thing is that our feelings hold such potent messages of wisdom and deep inner guidance for us.  They nudge us in the right direction and whether something or someone is truly right for us.

It’s also what makes someone wildly intimate.  It’s what creates that wild, electric intimacy with two people and propels them into a relationship.  Part of the reason I was this way was because I grew up in a family where no one hugged or kissed each other affectionately.  Now, everyone in my family loves each other immensely.  It just wasn’t said or physically expressed.  This led me to grow up and be quite detached in my relationships with friends and men.  And, most importantly, with myself.

Even in Enchanted Silence, Shivani tries to hold everything together when her father has a stroke and everything unravels in her family.  She doesn’t show her raw, real, vulnerable side to her family because she believes she has to be strong all the time for them.  That any show of emotion would mean a sign of weakness.

Through out your day, pause and ask yourself how you are feeling.  If a particularly intense emotion arises for you, ask yourself these questions:

Can you name the feeling in a word – like anger, sadness, shame, fear, joy?  How does the emotion feel in your body?  What’s the most significant thing that happened to you today?  How can you hold space for yourself and process this emotion?  Take the time to answer these questions to yourself.  Repeated these questions in front of a mirror and see what flows out of you.  Even better, write them in your journal.

Sensual Practices:  Create a safe space and environment for you to feel comfortable to express all your emotions.  Dance to music that moves you and allows you to move the feelings in your body.  I have a jade egg that I’m practicing with and I love it because not only does it allow me to feel sensual, it also releases a lot of pent up emotion that gets stored in my pelvic space.

Intuitive Practices:  Take responsibility for your feelings, emotions, and desires by writing down how you feel.  Do regular check-ins through out the day.  Make this an active practice because you’ll notice how aware you suddenly become of your own emotions.  This is an act of deep self-love and supporting yourself.  They will also provide you with guidance on how to approach specific situations or people or in general.  It strengthens the relationship you have with yourself and creates trust between you and yourself 🙂

If this post resonated with you and you’d like to be more real, raw, and vulnerable and hold space for yourself to feel all your emotions, please get in touch with me and schedule time with me to become more Wildly intimate with your desires and goals.  I’d love to hold space for your own deep transformation, dear Wildly Intimate Woman.


Image source: darlingmagazine.org


By |2017-04-12T10:36:07+00:00April 12th, 2017|Life Lessons, Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

My Bombay Adventure: (Part 5) Reflections and The Soul Lessons I Learned

I’m finally getting to the final installment for My Bombay Adventure series!  As you know, I started working on the deep self-inquiry and exploration on connecting to my Wildly Intimate Woman instead (the 10-part series is here if you’d like to read more about it).

My reflections and learnings from visiting film and television sets in Bombay, India

My reflections and learnings from visiting film and television sets in Bombay, India

For some reason, I found myself not wanting to complete the fifth part of My Bombay Adventure.  I think I feel this way because writing this series has officially helped me to process the whole experience and look at it from a fresh perspective because today I’m older and more mature since the time I embarked on this adventure.

Also, I’ve spoken about my adventures in Bombay to close friends and especially my family.  I have so many memories from this one month adventure that I feel like I actually spent a year in Bombay!  Yet at the same time, I’ve glossed over some things then and the lessons and learnings I gained from this experience.

As I’m writing this, I realize what I’m truly afraid of and deliciously excited about.  Processing this experience and fully understanding and feeling the learnings of it will mean I must gracefully put it behind me.  Leave it in the past and look back at it from time to time fondly and more importantly, release the attachment to it and move forward.  

Moving forward means I continue to evolve and let my soul grow and expand through other experiences.  This means wholeheartedly accepting and embracing the unknown.  It is scary because I don’t know what unfolds next, yet I do feel super excited about it.

So here goes.  Here are my reflections and golden learnings from my Bombay Adventure:

Release Attachment to the End Result/Outcome

I went to Bombay for two reasons.  To have a vacation and enjoy myself as a young girl exploring a new country on her own.  It was to feed my curiosity of what Bombay is really like.  Is it really like what is shown in the movies?  There has been this fantasy about it in my mind for years.  And that is the reason I voiced to my family and friends and strangers when discussing this experience and WHY I went there.

There was another reason why I traveled there.  A reason just as important, if not more.  Since I was a child, I knew I would be connected to film and media and the inner workings of this industry.  I really have no idea why I know this, it’s just this deep knowing that rests in my body and subconscious.  Even today, I know I’ll be connected to Bombay and films at some point in my life.  When?  How?  I have no idea.

I was getting bored working in my office job at the time even though I truly loved working at Yahoo!, but I couldn’t see myself doing this always.  There has always been a gypsy, wild free spirit in me and I knew I’d earn a living working in films.  So I went with the expectation that something concrete would result from it.  A major breakthrough and turning point in my life.

The interesting and funny thing is it practically happened.  It would’ve become a reality.  Perhaps I’d become an actress.  A writer.  Perhaps both.  What I have learned is that it’s almost scarier to have your desires and dreams become realized because it means your whole life transforms and changes.  It means you have to be fully committed.  It also means that you are worthy and deserving of the experience.

And here is where the disconnect occurred.  I started to feel not worthy and wondered why I could deserve this experience easily.

Hence it is important to realize that your soul is leading the way and that desires come to you and are realized for a reason.  It is for your soul’s expansion and growth.  Embrace the desire and release attachment to the outcome and let it unfold the way it wishes.

And when your desire is being realized right before your eyes?  Never ever question it.  Simply accept and embrace it as the gift it is from your soul and the Universe.

Embracing the Vulnerability of Being Visible

Through this series, I wrote how I started to become more visible as I visited film and television sets and studios.  I met with directors, producers, cameramen, actors, actresses, etc.  That meant they saw me.  It meant I was being pushed from my self-made cave and being seen by them.  It made me feel vulnerable.  I also felt amazing energy of excitement and thrill at the same time.

I didn’t entirely realize it at the time, but the only way to receive opportunities and grow was to be more visible.  For my soul’s gifts to be truly expressed, I would have to allow myself to be seen and accept the vulnerability that came with it.  And that I was worthy of being seen.

It’s deeply vulnerable to be seen because you fear you will be judged or criticized or not liked.  I compare it to falling in love.  Falling in love is both a divinely beautiful process, but also terrifying.  Because it can go either way.  

The reason why we fall in love though is to be more connected to our souls through each other and because of the possibility that it MAY work out beautifully and happily.  The same goes for allowing yourself to be seen. 

Allowing Myself to be Seen as a Woman

As I mentioned in my earlier installments of this series, I received a lot of masculine attention.  Many men I met either directly expressed or subtly hinted that I was beautiful and charming.  This attention threw me off guard.  I was surprised by it.

I didn’t grow up feeling pretty and attractive.  In fact, it was quite the other way.  I was teased for my weight and other girls around me received attention.  So it definitely came as a pleasant surprise that for once I was at the receiving end of this masculine energy and attention.

I enjoyed it and I believe I possessed a very innocent, delicate beauty because I was unaware and unassuming about my external beauty.  This was the starting point in my life where I started to allow myself to be seen as a woman and be in that nurturing, soft, alluring space of receiving and in flow.  

It’s what would define in coming years how I would behave and respond and be as a woman in romance and relationships.

Drawing Boundaries and Honoring Them (+ Standing Up For Myself)

This Bombay trip also hugely tested my having a strong sense of boundaries and honoring my needs first and foremost.  This played out in two distinct events, standing up for myself to the girls who moved in with me initially at the guest house and when the television actor made an outrageous pass at me.

I didn’t stand up for myself completely in both instances, though I definitely tried with the two girls who moved in with me at the guest house.  I was too much in shock to do anything with the television actor who made an outrageous pass at me.  Looking back, I should’ve stood up for myself with him and honored my space because he was clearly not honoring it, instead of blaming myself for his actions.

Even though I didn’t do it then, a seed started to grow within me.  For many years, through romantic relationships and friendships, I still didn’t entirely honor my boundaries.  It’s only when I look back today, I realize the importance of doing this.

It’s important to ALWAYS put my needs and desires first and honor them.  And that it is a great act of self-love to draw boundaries and express them openly.  It’s something I’m a lot better at now and continuing to grow in.

The Delicate Dance Between Feminine and Masculine Energy & Manifesting My Heartfelt Desires

Going back to manifesting desires again.  There is a dance that occurs between masculine and feminine energy and striving for a balance is what ultimately manifests your heartfelt desires into reality.

The feminine energy is creativity, beauty, and intuition.  It moves like water and it flows and receives.  Masculine energy is direct, action-oriented, and structured.  The masculine penetrates and leads the feminine, whereas the feminine is open and allows herself to receive the masculine energy and holds space for it.

When I made the decision to fly to Bombay for this adventure, I internally created a shift.  I created space within to let this desire simmer in me.  Because it was a heartfelt desire, there was a strong physical sensation in my body and I received this energy (thereby immersing in my feminine energy).

From this space, I stayed in the present moment and took action (thereby acting on my masculine energy) and contacted the program and organizers and bought my plane ticket and arranged all the details for my trip.

This dance is something I do every time I now want to manifest a heartfelt desire of mine.

Understanding the Difference Between Reality and Fantasy

Lastly, the last lesson I learned from trip was to stay rooted in reality and the present moment.  There is a mystical, fantasy element in the world of films and media.  Everything is an illusion.  We all in our normal day to day lives play with this fantasy and reality energy and elements constantly.  In essence, we each play multiple roles, wearing different masks, as we go throughout our own lives.

Having a strong connection to my intuition will cause me to see and feel things and sensations before they actually occur.  I can feel when something is about to come to me.

But I can also delude myself into thinking something that isn’t there at times because I’m not rooted in reality.  The people I met and the sets I visited were real and they were magical experiences, but I cannot let other people’s perceptions of me get in the way of my own self-worth and continue to live my life in an authentic manner and turn inwards for my sense of peace, stability, and joy.

It’s wonderful and magical to play with your dreams and desires and fantasies, but remember to always stay rooted in your body and reality and LIVE AND FEEL JOY in the present moment because your inner world is what brings you peace and wisdom and will reflect in your external world.

What are your thoughts on this last installment of My Bombay Adventure series?  Have you also learned similar soul lessons?  What were the learnings and lessons in your experience?  Please share with me, I love to hear from you!

Reflections from 2016 – My Year of Unraveling, Deep Surrender, Lessons (+ How I Am Preparing for 2017)

Priyanka Yadvendu: Reflections and Lessons from a Wildly Intimate Woman

Priyanka Yadvendu: Reflections and Lessons from a Wildly Intimate Woman

I can’t believe 2017 is here!  I can’t believe 2016 is complete.  Every year, I feel the same thing.  Yet this year wasn’t fast enough as previous ones.  In fact, it went slowly at times.  It was a confronting year.  It was a difficult, “in my face” kind of year.

I had an inner stirring that this year was going to be eye-opening and transformative, though I had no idea in what ways and how.  I’m so, so, so proud of my transformation and now I realize why it had to happen.  Though as everything was “happening” and unraveling, it certainly didn’t feel that way.

I didn’t have the iron clad hold to everything and everyone that I clung to.  Every time, I felt I was finally in control and things were happening the way I wanted it to, something would occur and just let that reality turn to dust.  It was difficult.  It was painful.  I cried most nights truthfully.  I couldn’t understand why and what was happening.

Revisiting My Past

I started the year being made permanent full-time employee at my current company.  I was really happy about this because I enjoy working at my company and team.  It also meant I would receive benefits and higher compensation.  Major win!

I also started the year having arguments and back and forth type exchanges with men.  It would feel I went one step forward and then two steps back.  It was painful.  I stopped dating around March because I realized I couldn’t emotionally and mentally handle it.  I was also living at home with my parents at this time at our Fremont house.

I also had several emotional breakdowns and outbursts.  It was confronting and scary for my family to witness.  When you’re going through such times, it’s not candy floss and pleasant for your family and loved ones to see you going through this.  

My closest friends didn’t understand what was happening to me.  I slowly withdrew from them and literally didn’t have the energy or desire to maintain my friendships and relationships with them.  It’s not that I felt good about this, but I felt no desire to even maintain a relationship with myself.

I had to move slowly in order to comb through every single area of my life and let go and release everything and everyone, and more importantly, my belief system and patterns.  I contacted several men with whom I had some kind of romantic past/liaison and who specifically made a huge impact on my life and had caused me to grow significantly.  I met with them and had conversations in person.

It was nice to meet with them and also deeply emotional.  I could understand why things hadn’t fallen into place for us and helped me become more humble and see them as sensitive, fragile, masculine, wonderful men with their own flaws just as I had mine.  I let go of the pain and anger.  I topped this all off by journaling the experiences and writing letters to them that I never sent them and burned, where I said ALL I had to say literally.

These experiences left me feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  Please keep in mind I paced this out and really went with the flow and followed my inner guidance.  I didn’t meet them all at once.  I wouldn’t be able to have energy for a week or two after an experience and drag myself to work.  Yet I could feel my soul opening.  I could feel light entering in me.  I felt lighter and incredibly free.

Releasing Past Baggage and Healing Old Wounds

I now understand why I had to move back in with my parents.  I had to face all that I had been avoiding with my family and especially myself.  I had been in a long-term relationship with a man older than me who I had fallen deeply in love with and this was really the most significant relationship romantically I had to come to terms with.

As it unraveled, I unraveled.  My ego had to unravel so the layers could fall away one by one to reveal the real me.  The true Priyanka.

I hid this relationship and several secrets from my family and especially from myself.  One by one, they all tumbled out to my family.  Sometimes, from a place of love and deliberate conscious decision-making, other times, from a place of sheer anger and frustration and pain and not by choice.

When it didn’t happen by conscious choice and I would try to keep something in, my soul literally wouldn’t let me.  It would just all come tumbling out.  My family was definitely shocked.  It’s like they didn’t know their daughter.

Ultimately though, it made me feel so much more liberated and in touch with my emotions and intimate and closer to myself and my family.  I’m not saying this freeing feeling and intimacy was easy to get to, though it was necessary and made me feel lighter.

Throughout this time, I was also working with a female embodiment coach and I’m very happy I made this decision because this was supportive and nourishing to me as I went through this part of my life.

Family Moving from Our Family House

In 2016, my family made the life-changing decision to move from our Fremont home.  The time had finally come for this decision to be made and we all made peace with it.  We were truly looking forward to the next chapter of our lives.

Though when it actually happened, it brought up my ego, anger, and pain, as well as everyone else’s in my family.  We had lived in that house for nearly 25 years.  I and my siblings spent our childhood there and many, many beautiful memories and happy times were created there.  My parents built our house from scratch to the magnificent structure it became.

We became very emotional and vulnerable in letting go and releasing this part of our lives.  Tears were shed and sweet, gentle, sensitive, angry, painful words were said.  Through everything though, we became closer and ultimately became stronger.

My family bought a new beautiful home that is perfect for us today and I must say I feel so much peace and happiness in our new home and my soul sensed the moment it laid eyes on it (before it was ours even) that this is the perfect home for me and my family for where we are in our lives today.  It was going to birth more beautiful times and happy memories and I told my parents their grandchildren would all be playing here.

What about My Debut Novel, Enchanted Silence?

I haven’t spoken much about my debut novel, Enchanted Silence, because my plan of how this novel would become a reality didn’t occur quite the way I anticipated.  As you may know, I had signed with a literary agent and she was my literary agent for nearly two years.

Signing with a literary agent was one of the happiest moments in my life.  I still can’t believe it happened really.  I felt deeply grateful for this as I know it’s not easy for this to occur.

When it was time for my novel to be presented to publishers and I submitted my final draft of my book with all my revisions to my literary agent, I unexpectedly heard from her that she was releasing me from our agreement and contract.

She wasn’t sure how feasible my novel with its cultural and other elements would be in today’s market and the time that I had signed with her was now very different from the publishing climate today.  It was a purely professional decision and I respected that.

It didn’t mean that I wasn’t shocked.  I was also sad and hurt.  With life and the Universe.  We parted ways amicably and wished each other the best in our paths moving forward.  I didn’t really know what to do next with the book, so I just let it sit on my computer for some time, until I decided to self-publish it.

I’m deeply thankful to my friends and strangers who’ve been buying the book and posting reviews.  It was a huge learning experience self-publishing and I learned to go with the flow and really own my novel as it’s directly from my own life experience.

It also led me to work with another coach.  Once I completed working with the female embodiment coach on my personal life and I felt happier and healthier and more intimate with my being, I worked with a creative transformation coach.  Another life-changing experience.  

In another post, I’ll dive into more detail.  All I’ll say for now is it was magical, transformative, edgy, and scary in a good way and pushed myself from my comfort zone tremendously and gave me the courage to be deeply vulnerable and seen in my creative work.

Here is my novel Enchanted Silence on Amazon if you’d like to grab a copy: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FQ75XM6

Moving Forward in 2017 

In short, what I have learned from this year is that it is time to evolve and expand.  Move forward to the next phase and level of life by releasing and letting go and making peace with the past and learning the lessons and wisdom to invite the greatness and miracles and magic that life wants to bestow upon me.

I have an inkling of where life wants to take me now.  I don’t know the full plan, though I don’t need to know anymore.  I no longer have a desire to be in “control.”  All of my ego and fears have evaporated.  My beliefs have been upgraded.

I believe with every fiber of my being that I deserve and am worthy of so much beauty, abundance, and magic in my life.  I feel lighter now and more connected to my deep truth and who I am as a person.  I feel my soul has been activated and I’m now on the right path.

I have decided that for 2017 I have only two areas I’ll be focusing on: Money and Personal Life (Love/Marriage).  I’ve signed up to work with a money coach so I can become intimate with the divine, sacred energy that is MONEY.  It is a five month journey and I’m really excited to be working with her.  I have a feeling this is going to be powerful.  I’ll keep you updated.

The other area is my personal life.  For far many years, I’ve pushed my personal life to the sidelines.  Not anymore.  I am a deeply emotional person who craves and absolutely needs and desires intimacy and closeness in my relationships, especially with my partner.  I feel marriage and partnership is the next step of my soul’s evolution and expansion.

I’ve bought several books to learn more about marriage and how to have a happy marriage and overall really learning more about myself throughout the process.  I intend to be more honest, sensual, vulnerable, playful, and present with my partner.

I’m also working with guiding words for the first time ever.  It’s a way to decide on a word or couple of words that guide your year and manifest your life and experiences you desire to create during the year.  Through reflection and feeling, I have come to the conclusion that I desire to have more experiences and life filled with: ABUNDANCE, RICHNESS, MAGIC, SEXINESS, INTUITION

I’m joining a workshop next week learning from the beautiful Vienda Maria on how to do this.  Here’s the link if you’d like to join as well: http://viendamaria.com/2016/12/free-video-workshop-think-manifesting-intuition-planning-for-creating-the-best-year-imaginable-wednesday-11-2017/

Thank You!

All in all, thank you so much for your support, kindness, gentleness, and attention throughout 2016.  It’s a big part of what helped me get through and move forward.  I’m excited to see what 2017 brings to me and to you.  Happy New Year! ❤

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

By |2017-01-07T08:00:33+00:00January 7th, 2017|Life Lessons, Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

Deep Self-Inquiry on Connecting to My Wildly Intimate Woman: 2. Vulnerability

Last week, I focused on Pillar 2: Vulnerability.  Timing wise, it was an interesting week.  The election fell on this week and I had totally not planned on that coinciding with this pillar.  Regardless of your opinion on the election, we can all agree that this election as had us all feeling very vulnerable.  On a deeper more personal level, I focused on unleashing my vulnerable side and I saw this being reflected on a global level in our world.

I have grown to love vulnerability and my ability to truly become more receptive and sensitive and in touch with my emotions.  This theme has played big in my life this year.

For the girl who was so afraid of wearing her heart on her sleeve or showing any emotion, I’ve come a long way.  And I’m so, so proud of myself.  And last week, I feel I went even deeper and peeled another layer to reveal my true self and soul. 

Embodying Your Feminine Vulnerability

Embodying Your Feminine Vulnerability

I focused on this as an overall practice, yet also embodying the feeling of being vulnerable as a state of being throughout the week.  Here are the questions I asked myself:

How do I feel in my body when I feel vulnerable?  How can I explore being more vulnerable moment to moment?  Notice how I can open up and be more vulnerable, whether it is with family or friends or my partner.

These questions lingered in my head and soul and heart and became my main focus for the week.  I journaled the answers and my feelings to these questions and noticed with confronting clarity how my body feels in moments of vulnerability.

I had personal moments with family and romantically where I had to learn to express myself clearly and as a result, allow myself to be seen vulnerably and in my emotional naked state.  I had to tell them exactly what was in my heart and that it was alright to choke up in tears while articulating myself.  There was this tight, tense, rigid feeling and stream of energy in the pit of my stomach.  I felt this burning sensation in my chest and my skin and body and felt cold and numb and hot and frozen all together at once.

After doing this, I realized how much importance we place on the other person’s reaction or response.  We feel our level of vulnerability is linked to the outcome.  This belief fell away for me this week.  Something clicked deep in my body.  Deep in my soul.

The level of vulnerability I feel is rather deeply linked and connected to the safe, loving, supportive space I hold for myself internally.  

When I can do that, I notice that I feel comfortable in my true expression regardless of how the other person takes it.  It actually doesn’t even matter much to me.  I can detach to an extent from their response, and yet interestingly, the outcome is more positive simply because I held that safe, loving space for myself.  And if it the outcome or response isn’t what I would’ve desired, I still feel peaceful because I was true to myself.

Another key component I noticed is the deeper I drop and the softer into my feminine and vulnerability, the more I gave permission to the man to drop into his masculine and ocean of emotions.  I realized men are very sensitive and emotional and I actually encourage him to embody this when I become softer and more vulnerable.  I always knew this intellectually, yet to see this play out visibly was a surreal experience.  A very beautiful, sublime experience.

I have noticed that I’ve become warmer.  More affectionate.  More loving towards my family and romantically.  I give more hugs, kisses, touches, and cuddles.  I’ve become more verbally loving and expressive.  I say I love you more easily.  I like seeing this side of myself.  I’ve become kinder to myself and my body.  It takes me back to my childhood because this is who I truly was before I caked on layer after layer of fears and ego-driven protection on my heart and soul.

How to Explore Being More Vulnerable Starting This Moment

I learned that I can tap into this magical, beautiful power of vulnerability anytime I want.  This energy is available to me any moment I desire by accepting and embracing my emotions, including my fears with whole hearted love and kindness and gentle care.

That I can explore this by loving and nourishing myself daily so I can hold a safe, healing space and container to communicate my feelings and vulnerabilities to myself without judgment.

When I can do this with myself no matter how uncomfortable or confronting the truth can be sometimes and I want to run away, when I stay put and face myself intimately, both the good and the not so beautiful, I can do this with more ease, flow, grace, and vulnerability to others, whether that is my partner, family, friend, or coworker.

Here are the tools and practices I used to embody my intention and focus on this pillar:

The Mind (mental intelligence): Affirmations that it is safe and an act of self-love to be vulnerable and express myself freely.  I said it aloud to myself in my covers in bed or in front of the mirror.

The Body (instinctual intelligence/body wisdom): Body scans, meditations.  I exercised and ran at the treadmill at the gym to unleash this vulnerable energy that was stored in my body.  I made a lot of smoothies and drank water to keep myself hydrated.  I allowed myself to cry openly in my private space when I desired without judgment.  I stared at myself and into my own eyes in the mirror and that made me feel wildly intimate with myself.

The Heart (emotional intelligence): Journaling about the questions earlier I mentioned.  Writing about my feelings and feeling my feelings completely.  Falling in love with my vulnerability. 

The Soul (higher self/spirit): Understanding what my higher self wants to lead and teach me.  In this week, it was to learn to not become attached to the other person’s response or outcome while expressing myself freely and embodying my feminine vulnerable state.  Becoming more comfortable in my own skin so intimately that it was actually loving and deeply freeing to be this vulnerable, affectionate, open, and raw.

How can you explore being vulnerable at this moment?  How do you feel embodying and expressing your vulnerabilities?  Please share with me in the comments.  I’d love to hear from you!


Image source: Barefoot Blonde

By |2016-11-14T08:00:10+00:00November 14th, 2016|Life Lessons, Ramblings, Transformation|1 Comment

My Bombay Adventure: (Part 4) Almost Becoming An Actress + Manifesting Your Desires Effortlessly (And Meeting My Favorite Movie Star Fardeen Khan)

Things start to get better, I promise.  I spoke about in the last installment how two outrageous passes led me to be hidden in the background.  It created a deep seated fear of being seen and noticed.  I realized this later in the trip and now as a thirty year old woman that there is beauty and power in being seen.  I realized it is safe to be seen, to be loved, and to be cared for.  It meant an amazing flow of energy between me and another person.  The source of this energy was, of course, the Universe.

Kareena Kapoor: The Power and Vulnerability of Being Visible

Kareena Kapoor: The Power and Vulnerability of Being Visible

Being seen means expressing myself fully.  Being in my real power.  It doesn’t mean perfection.  Simply authenticity.

I visited another movie set and this was a pretty incredible experience.  I remember telling Mukesh how neat it would be if I could meet Fardeen Khan.  I had visited Film City where numerous television game shows had been shot.  Like Amitabh Bachchan’s show Kaun Banega Crorepati, Shah Rukh Khan’s show Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain?, etc.  I could’ve met superstars Shah Rukh Khan, Amitabh Bachchan, and more if only they weren’t filming overseas at the time!  I have to admit I wasn’t overjoyed because I wanted to have the precious opportunity to meet them.  After all, it’s not everyday you’ll meet them!

Life continued on in Bombay.  I visited more film sets and studios.  I remember visiting an audio recording studio that was so dusty and a strange smell penetrated the whole studio.  My sense of eye sight and imagination was more shocked because I imagined the studios would look a lot more glamorous.  I remember reading in interviews where stars spoke about the not so glamorous conditions they worked in and the long hours, yet I never imagined it would look like this.  My bathroom must’ve been in better condition than this studio.

And I believe this particular studio was owned by Salman Khan or a member of his family.  It was interesting to see photos of him and his family adorning the walls.  I also had fun telling my family and friends the story of how this studio looked.  So I guess it makes for an interesting story!

Another day, I visited another film studio.  I honestly had no idea where I was being taken and what part of town, I just flowed wherever my guide, Mukesh, took me.  This studio was in better condition than the audio recording studio.  It was more spacious and there were several rooms.  I sat in the middle area on a bench, bored because I wasn’t witnessing any kind of filming taking place.  There was numerous film crew around, but I didn’t recognize them and they were deeply absorbed in their work.  I had no interest after about five minutes.

A couple days earlier, I was enjoying a delicious ice cream with no care in the world.  I was going on and on about my favorite actor, Fardeen Khan, and how much I loved him and how handsome and hot I thought he was.

I fluttered my eyelashes and fawned an exaggerated sigh about how I would behave if I met him.  Mukesh chuckled at my fan girl attitude.  He never saw me become as excited as I was talking about Fardeen Khan, lol.

Now back to the film studio again.  Thirty minutes passed.  I thought I wasn’t going to see or meet anyone worthwhile and told Mukesh we should just head out as I had seen enough at this studio.  We could go sight seeing or visit another mall.  I also wanted to eat, too.  He just nodded his head and told me to wait ten to twenty more minutes.  I took a deep breathe and agreed.  I made myself busy on my cell phone.

After some time, I noticed film crew members who were earlier hustling around the studio suddenly whispering (rather loudly) in hushed voices that he received the money finally.  I turned my gaze at Mukesh who said that the star of this movie the crew was working on hadn’t received his full money so he refused to come to the shooting.

I became wide eyed and asked him, but wouldn’t that not be good for the film director and crew and shooting schedule?  He shrugged his shoulders and said this was what happened typically with stars, especially when they didn’t receive their money on time.  Apparently, the director rushed and made his money magically appear and now the star was on his way to the studio.

I didn’t even bother asking Mukesh this time who the star actor was.  The sounds of the crew became louder and then I realized why.  The star actor was here!  I scanned the area, yet I couldn’t find him.  Until literally inches away, I saw a very handsome guy with a baseball cap on and track pants and a casual shirt on.

I blinked my eyes.  And then blinked them again!  It couldn’t be!  I turned to look at Mukesh and he flashed an impish smile at me.  It was FARDEEN KHAN!!  My favorite movie star standing inches away in casual attire you wear to the gym.  And he still looked damn hot! 

Meeting My Favorite Movie Star: Fardeen Khan

Meeting My Favorite Movie Star: Fardeen Khan

We all know actors and stars are normal people like you and me, yet to meet and see them in person and especially your favorite movie star is simply a surreal experience.  It felt like a dream to see him.  I hadn’t the opportunity to meet other stars like Amitabh Bachchan, Shah Rukh Khan, Aishwarya Rai, Kareena Kapoor, so I hadn’t expected to meet anyone else major during this trip.

I wish I can say that I ran up to him and tapped his arm and asked for an autograph and gushed to him how much I admired his work and loved him.  But I didn’t do that.  Instead, I sat frozen on the bench not moving an inch of my body.  I felt my whole body become warm and fuzzy.  My feet so desperately wanted to move, but my mind didn’t command them to move.  

It was the perfect moment.  When was I going to meet him again? The Universe handed me the perfect moment.  The Universe listened to my desire. All I had to do was do my part.  

Minutes later, I saw two older men with glasses and identical faces wearing total crisp white suits on.  It was the famous director brother duo, Abbas and Mustan.  I read in interviews and articles that both these brothers always wore white suits on.  And my goodness, they truly did in real life.  I guess they really liked white suits!

Abbas and Mustan grabbed Fardeen Khan and they started chatting, presumably about the shooting schedule and the script and scenes.  There went my opportunity.  Sigh.

I got up and exclaimed my surprise to Mukesh.  He laughed and said he thought I would faint or run over to Fardeen Khan right away to get his autograph.  He wanted to surprise me that my favorite movie star was showing up here.  I laughed with him and thanked him, though in the back of my mind I was beating myself up for not taking advantage of this opportunity.

I couldn’t believe I was in the studio with the director duo Abbas-Mustan and Fardeen Khan.  I loved their movies!  This was literally a dream come true.  Later in the night, I remember thinking: How could my dream come true?  How was that possible?

As Fardeen Khan became busy, Mukesh and other crew members told me I could watch the dubbing for the actress of the movie: Amrita Rao.  I sat in a private room where only exclusive members of the film crew could sit.  I was getting amazing access to watch her actually recite and dub her lines.  There was another room inside this private room where she stood saying her lines.

In the room I sat in, the lyricist and dialogue coach and a few others guided and worked with her to complete the dubbing.  I heard the lyricist and dialogue coach mutter annoyingly to each other how the stars and kids of today don’t know any Hindi or Urdu (India’s native languages) and only focused on speaking English and hence she wasn’t able to pronounce the lines properly and it took an endless number of takes.

I must confess she was strikingly beautiful in real life as on screen.  She was just as slim, too.  However, I found her to have somewhat of a sassy attitude who was very aware of her beauty.  After that was complete, I went home and thought what a day!  Every day here in Bombay blew me away and astounded me.  Every day was so different from the other.

The next couple days were the last for the program so I spent some time meeting up with directors I had met earlier in the month as they wanted to meet.  I wasn’t so nervous this time because I had already met them and there was a certain comfort level established.

One director told me to read the book, Marrying Anita at a gorgeous coffee shop situated in the Lokhandwala area of Bombay (where I recognized more television actors enjoying their coffee as this was a popular hang out spot for film and television people), and tell him what I thought of the book after I read it.  He said he was looking to cast someone should he make the adaptation on this book.  I became frozen as the book was about an Indian American girl who travels to India looking for love.  

He gave me his email and told me to keep in touch with him.  I bought the book immediately at some book store at the mall.  I read the book and when I reached California again, I told him my thoughts.  I was curious and did some research on the book and found an article where the writer mentioned in the interview she was collaborating with a director for an on screen film adaptation to be made on the book.

Another director I met asked me if I would be interested in acting or becoming an actress and I was just dumbfounded.  He asked me the question like what I was going to study in college.  It was said with seriousness and posed as a legitimate question.  I became red in the face and a shiver ran down my back.  My stomach churned.  I didn’t know the answer to that question.  I told him I had never really considered it.  He nodded and we made more talk.  Towards the end of our conversation, he said we should keep in touch and that I should consider it.

When the last day of the program rolled around, my uncle, aunt, and niece dropped me at the Bombay airport.  We said our goodbyes and I took the flight home.  I read the book during the flight and had the time to process everything that happened.

I remember a million questions buzzing in my mind:  How could I become an actress?  Was I good enough to be an actress?  Was I pretty enough to be an actress?  Did I have the talent?  What would my family think?  Could I live in Bombay because I’m essentially an American girl?  Did they just say that to me to mess with my head and not mean it?  Did they just want to sleep with me?  Did I just imagine this and I’m hallucinating?

To those who know me and say I look completely calm and unfazed, this is exactly what goes on in my head.  I have a million thoughts racing in my head.  I’m confused and unsure most of the time.

When I look back, I realize that the desire of becoming an actress didn’t fruit or materialize because I freaked myself out and even before it could become a reality, I thought of the reasons why I couldn’t or it wouldn’t happen.  I did the same when meeting my favorite movie star Fardeen Khan.  I didn’t want to be seen as there is a vulnerability to being visible.

I now know what I didn’t at the time.  To manifest your desires with ease, whether you want to manifest a partner, home, creative idea, money, career, or health, you must be absolutely clear with your intention and desire and release it to the Universe.  When the Universe does its part and brings your desire or an amazing opportunity to you, you don’t let your fears come in the way and question it.

Rather, you get out of your own way and believe that if the Universe brought the desire and opportunity to you, then you do your part by trusting and surrendering to the process and that you have all you need to do your part of the deal.  That you are deserving and worthy of all the beauty, love, and abundance life wants to bring you and you ALWAYS welcome it with arms wide open.  You accept the desire as a beautiful gift given to you by the Universe.  You receive it with deep joy and gratitude and allow yourself to be visible.

Today, I don’t question too much what the Universe brings me.  I surrender wholly and completely and trust that what has been brought to me is for my highest good and it is my job to honor it and that I’m completely worthy of the experience and desire and not attach myself to the outcome.  Because there is always more joy and beauty in the process and journey anyway 😉

Have you had a desire you wanted for so long become a reality or receive an amazing opportunity and you let your fear and sense of worth get in the way?  How did you feel?  How would you deal with it differently today?  What did you learn and grow from the experience?  Please share with me in the comments.  I’d love to hear your experience!


Image sources: kareenakapoorkhan, findwallpaper

By |2016-10-28T08:00:23+00:00October 28th, 2016|Life Lessons, Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments
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