The Beauty of Surrendering to Your Silence

My day today has been particularly busy and chaotic. I started off the morning by hopping out of bed and jumbling down the stairs wearing my pajamas. (I recently started a new position which is work from home, hence why I started work in my pajamas…) Anyway, I had a meeting fixed at nine this morning. My stomach rumbled with hunger and nervousness.

Surrendering to Silence

Surrendering to Silence

I said what I had to say during the meeting and then checked my emails. Suddenly, I received several calls and I took care of them. For some reason, everything seemed to hurl at me once today.

Feeling Overwhelmed…

I felt disarmed with everything hurling towards me. I felt my energy become scattered and doubt creeping through my body. My mind was clouded with thoughts bristling about: What the heck are you doing? You don’t know anything! You’ll get through today. Just be patient.

Gosh, there were dozens of thoughts, both positive and negative, swirling in my head!

Well past after five this evening, I was still working. The clocked ticked 5:45 and finally I had sent out the last email.

Clearing My Head

I made dinner quietly and ate it. But I was still taken aback and disturbed. I had focused a great deal this year on self development and self love. I had gratitude journaled, said my affirmations, and meditated. Why was I still then feeling overwhelmed when everything came at me like a rocket? Was my self not strong enough? Did I need to do more healthy practices in addition to the ones I’m doing already?

Took a Deep and Nourishing Nap

I was pondering these questions, when my body just gave in. I had been working nonstop and making time for social and family commitments. My body was whispering (ever so loudly though!) to give me some attention and love. And so I fell asleep. I don’t remember what I dreamed about, but I do remember feeling immensely sweet, light, and free.

When I woke up, it was late evening. Clearly, I had overslept. I took a jog around my apartment complex. After the run, I just sat in silence on my couch. My roommate was not yet home, so I loosened my shoulders and let my energy soak my body.

I realized then the silence felt real and raw. I surrendered to the silence and closed my eyes. It was like my inner soul’s light was shining out and healing me. This is me. Right now. At this very moment. I felt beautiful. 

Silence Sharpens Our Clarity & Creates Deep Self-Awareness

My mind became so still that I was able to feel deeply. I became deeply aware that in that moment, a thought formed and became crystal clear. It was refreshing and beautiful.

My mind had been scrambling thinking about all that I had to do and feeling overwhelmed. But when I surrendered to silence, I tapped into my inner self and let it guide me gently. I felt reassured and happy by my own self, instead of something external. I was my own source of happiness and peace.

We are always caught up in doing or saying something. Always in action mode. Sometimes, the very thing our soul craves is for us to surrender to our silence, so we can revel in the beauty of our soul. All the answers to our questions lies in us.

Practice Silence

After this experience, I am going to allocate some time everyday to be still and surrender to silence, even for five minutes. I want to incorporate this into my daily practice. Whenever I feel frazzled, I have everything I need to feel healed and comfortable within myself.

How have you dealt with feeling overwhelmed and unbalanced? How does surrendering to silence make you feel? Please share with me in the comments.

By |2020-07-16T02:17:18+00:00September 10th, 2021|Life Lessons, Ramblings|3 Comments

I am Undergoing Therapy for My Past and Brokenness I’ve Carried for Years

Dear Reader,

When you meet me, I have a calm face.  My eyes are a deep brown and I won’t express much how I’m feeling.  But if you truly want to know me, you can look into my eyes.  My body has been carrying years of shame and brokenness.  I’m trying to move past these feelings by working with a Sex Coach and a Therapist.

Diving Deep Into Your Past By Working with a Therapist

Diving Deep Into Your Past By Working with a Therapist

There is a distinct difference between coaching and therapy.  I have worked with my share of coaches.  Coaching is all about being focused on your present and future and how to move forward with ease to your desired vision.  Therapy is about diving deep into the past.  It’s about going to those experiences that you’ve tucked away and wanted to forget.  I haven’t worked with a therapist until now.  I made the decision to work with a therapist along side with my Sex Coach because sometimes, the only way to move forward is going back to your past and making peace with it.

Therapy is an interesting experience where I simply sit and talk about how I’m feeling and go deeper into specific experiences in my life.  I fell in love two times.  The first time I fell in love was with a man eighteen years older than me.  We were together for four years.  He is the love of my life.  I gave my virginity to him as a token of our deep love.  We shared so much in common.  Our intellectual curiosity.  He is 6’3″ and yet a gentle, sweet, sensitive giant.  In terms of temperament, he is a good match for me, gentle and sensitive.  I remember how much he focused on little things for me.  Like serving me food and telling me how beautiful I looked and noticing when I wore a nice dress or did my nails.  The little things never escaped him.  And being a Taurean woman, that touches my heart deeply.  The simple gestures and moments win my heart.

But ultimately, his indecisiveness and commitment phobia unraveled our relationship.  I found that difficult.  It took me a long time to process this experience.  I’m not in love with him anymore, but I still love him.  I don’t think love goes away for someone you love.  It may have changed and you may not be in love, but our hearts are resilient this way.  I’m sure he loves me today, too.  He is the man with whom I wrote my first book and my creativity flourished.  But him not taking a stand and standing up for our relationship pained me greatly.  I feel shame and awkwardness at also admitting that I didn’t have the title of girlfriend with him.  I had to move forward and I did.  But it took much time and I’m exploring this experience in my therapy.

Then, I fell in love with another man.  A man who is fourteen years older than me.  I had known him when I was 22 and he was 36.  There is a soulful connection.  Like we are soulmates.  Like we know each other from a past life.  There is a deep knowing between us.  Our temperaments are greatly different.  He has a fiery, direct personality.  Whereas I am more subdued, passive, and charming.  He has his own painful past and doesn’t seem to have gotten past it.  And I fell in love deeply because he was the opposite.  He was decisive and wanted a family and wife and home of his own.  This was something I wasn’t used to.  But I had my own past and our pasts and fears collided.  However, we healed each other a lot and I feel I’m on the right path because of him.

One of the most painful experiences I had was with this man.  When I went to visit him and being screamed at and kicked out of his place.  I’m certain he was under drugs’ influence at the time and combined with him being laid off and his deep insecurity and rage with his life led to this.  But it was one of the most intense experiences of my life.  Not in a good way.  I didn’t feel accepted and I felt insulted and not honored and respected by him.  Today, I genuinely feel scared of him if I see him.  I don’t think I have the courage to say anything to him.

I had another experience of a sexual assault attempt on me and I don’t want to go into detail with all this, though all these experiences in my life combined has led me to have an explosion.  I feel so much that I don’t understand myself and my soul.  My body has carried so much all these years.  I feel scared of men and yet all I want so much is to be loved by a masculine man with integrity and character.  When I get close to finding love and opening my heart, I shut down.  I feel incredibly scared that I don’t know what to do or how to react.

The truth is I’m scared of falling in love now.  My mind equates it to being hurt.  But this is not true at all.  The truth is love is beautiful, true, real, pure, and unconditional.  Love is the purest bond that two people share.  I’m looking for my Beloved.  I decided to do therapy so I can become a more whole woman for him who has healed her wounds.  I want him to fall in love with a whole woman.  Not a broken woman.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

By |2020-07-16T01:50:12+00:00September 7th, 2021|Life Lessons, Transformation|0 Comments

How do celebrities inspire characters in novels?

Novels inspire films to be made all the time. Have you seen The Hunger Games? Or P.S. I Love You? They were best-selling  novels before they were turned into films.

Celebrities Inspiring Novel Characters

A real man falls in love.

A real man falls in love.

But have you seen the other way around? In my novel, Enchanted Silence, Gerard Butler inspired the forty year old high school teacher Alan. I am a huge fan of Gerard Butler, I love watching his films. Though I will also be the first to admit not every film of his is great.

Masculinity is also about Emotional Depth

But one thing that shines through about him every time is his inherent charisma in every film and interview I watch. Yet despite being a huge Hollywood star, he possesses that larger than life persona, but also someone approachable, down to earth, and actually emotionally vulnerable. When I created Alan’s character, I wanted someone who would represent the epitome of masculinity like Gerard Butler. He has earthy brown hair and is over six feet tall like him, but there is a strong emotional, sensitive side you wouldn’t think otherwise.

Life’s Grayness is Inspiration

Whenever I have watched Gerard Butler’s interviews, when he speaks of his largely absent father who has now passed away, his eyes and face change. No matter where you go in life, certain emotions stay deep in you and don’t go away. I wanted that emotional depth in Alan as well. There is a reason, sometimes multiple, that motivates us to behave the way we do in real life. Not everything is black or white. Sometimes there is a whole lot of gray. And I wanted Alan to be that way.

How have you felt inspired in your life? Has any celebrity or novel character inspired you in any way? Please share in the comments.

By |2020-07-16T02:17:25+00:00September 2nd, 2021|Life Lessons, Ramblings|0 Comments

Taking Responsibility for Having Vibrant Health and Loving My Body and All It Does For Me

Dear Reader,

Until this year, I’ve taken for granted how much my body does for me and how much of a true blessing it is to enjoy vibrant, great health and enjoying a beautiful body.  Going through my sexual awakening and personal journey, I am starting to love the body I have and all it does for me.  I look at every part of my body with awe.  I am listening to her closely.  Listening to the messages she provides me.

It is also this year that the simplest of tasks take great energy for me.  It is the result of work, sadness, and other factors in my life.  When I have to make dinner, I have to push myself off the sofa or bed I’m lying on.  Or even to go to the restroom.  I don’t have interest to go about my daily life.  And this feeling scares me.  I’ve had major meltdowns and mood swings.  I also just feel really scared.  Scared of talking to someone or opening my heart or trusting someone.

I know that life is very precious.  It is very beautiful.  I’m working on feeling happy again.  Feeling these positive feelings again in my life.  I also came to the realization that the corporate world is not for me.  I’d like to transition into a role that will allow me to fully rest my body and do the things I love in my life and focus on enjoying vibrant health.

I read the book Adore Your Cycle by Claire Baker and fell in love with it.  It teaches you how there are four seasons to a woman’s menstruation cycle: spring, summer, autumn, and winter.  I found the book to be captivating and it truly opened my eyes to the role my cycle plays in my everyday life, emotions, energy levels, moods, and hormones.  I can actually accurately predict my mood swings and when I will feel more sensitive.  I highly recommend you to the read this book, dear Reader. 

It will bring a new level of love and awareness to your self-care routine and lifestyle.  You will know when you have more energy and when you need to deeply rest and harness this beautiful information to your creativity, sexuality, and day-to-day normal life.

I am also giving close attention to the foods I eat and consume on a daily basis.  I eat more greens, veggies, and fruits.  I drink more soy milk and green juice.  I eat sourdough bread because it apparently breaks down in our body system and digests more easily.  I used to feel nauseated in the mornings when I woke up and would have to immediately jump out of bed and put something in my mouth.  I felt like I was going to faint if I didn’t eat something.  I felt this between meals, too.  It worried me because I ate food and didn’t understand why this was happening.

Until I observed my body and did research.  I did a juice cleanse for three days and noticed how with only drinking juices and liquid soups, I didn’t have that nauseated feeling at all.  It amazed me.  Then, I realized I wasn’t eating enough fiber and this created that feeling in me.  I immediately started to eat more fresh fruit instead of fruit juice and more green veggies in every meal.  I also drink a lot of fresh green juices I make myself or buy from an organics juice shop.

The one thing that I’m working on and need to greatly improve is to exercise much more and move my body.  I feel lazy and lethargic and it’s something I’d like to do for pleasure and vibrant health.  Dance may become my form of exercise and I’m looking into various dance studios because I’d love to dance.  I’d love to dance well.  Most of all, I’d love to dance from my heart and soul.  With passion and energy.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

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