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Every Woman Should Have This…A Contract with Yourself to Live Your Dream Life

My best friend seems to be on a roll! She gave me the brilliant gratitude journaling idea which I have started doing religiously. And then out of no where, she told me she had written a contract.

A Contract With Yourself

A Contract With Yourself

What the F***?

My first reaction was (mind my language, please!): What the F***?!

She then proceeded to tell me that she had created a contract for herself so she could hold herself accountable on living live on her terms.

Hold Yourself Accountable

When you agree to a new job, your employer has you sign an offer letter to ensure you adhere to the terms and do your job with integrity. Why can’t you bind yourself to living a life aligned with your highest truth?

It’s a way to ensure you live your life with integrity, honesty, and goodness. So I read my best friend’s contract and was bowled over. I had to write mine!

My Own Terms for My Life Contract

So here are the terms for my Life Contract.

LIVING YOUR VISION CONTRACT:

  1. I will live a love driven life.
  2. I will honor and love myself first and foremost above everything else. I understand that by making my happiness a priority, I will be able to present the best version of my self to others, including loved ones.
  3. I deserve a good man and I am worthy of healthy, beautiful love.
  4. I will let go and surrender to where and how life takes me. 
  5. I will find power and peace in surrendering and letting go and will trust the process.
  6. People, places, or things cannot make me happy. Happiness can come only from within me.
  7. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I will hold myself and my loved ones to high expectations, but also understand life is a work in progress and I am always growing and learning.

What would you write in your contract to yourself? Please share with me in the comments!

By |2020-07-16T02:17:03+00:00September 18th, 2021|Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

I am Healing My Fear of Men and Teaching Myself How to Have a Healthy Relationship

Dear Reader,

In this post, I’ll go into some detail about what happened to me to give me peace and a voice to myself.

Last year, I had an experience that made me terrified of men.  It was with a man I deeply loved and most of this year has been spent on healing from that experience.  I remember being kicked out with such hatred and anger and nonchalance.  It did something to my soul and heart and body and mind.  It broke me.  I fell apart.  In my entire life, I’ve never been treated in such a way.

Feminine Woman Facing Her Past to Find Her Truth

Feminine Woman Facing Her Past to Find Her Truth

Looking back, I do know that he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  I remember him making fun of me being Indian and screaming at me to tell my father to come and pick me up.  He told me several hateful things to me.  I remember telling him to be compassionate since I didn’t know where I had parked my car in the night.  He was adamant that I had to leave at that very moment and continued screaming “Get out.”  

He also told me our bond was one-sided with such hatred and apathy and that I should move on.  He showed no regard for my well-being and I remember his blue eyes fiery with rage.  I kept on crying and crying and I believe my body and soul and heart were shocked from what was happening to me.  But the truth is that I didn’t know what was exactly happening to me.

I knew this man for nearly ten years and had met him at work when I was 22 years old.  It was even more unsettling to me that someone I knew and was incredibly charming in all our other encounters was behaving this way to me that night.

It has taken so much time to process this experience with someone I thought I had known.  I became numb from this experience and shut myself down.  It was a survival mechanism that my mind and body did naturally to “survive.”  I have spent so much time exploring this experience in therapy and finally had the courage to mention it to two close friends of mine.

I realize now that this was a toxic relationship and I’ve gone through emotional abuse and although this experience has terrified me and I wasn’t able to properly open up to men, I am also very fortunate because this emotional abuse could have led to physical abuse if I decided to stay any longer.  What is most difficult is accepting that this side exists in this person when you feel you know them well.

I have forgiven him since then and he hasn’t given me any answers or an apology, however I have made peace with this fact.  I now know what I am worthy of and that I’m deserving of being in a loving, healthy relationship.  I have spent a lot of time reading books, doing therapy, working with coaches, and loving myself so I can understand and know what a healthy relationship is and even looks like.

It hasn’t been an easy journey, though one I am very proud of myself for undergoing with resilience, courage, truth, and emotional depth.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

By |2020-07-16T01:49:25+00:00September 18th, 2021|Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

Shedding My Shame and Fear Around My Sexuality to Heal Myself

I felt like I didn’t exist. 

Healing Myself Through My Sexuality

Healing Myself Through My Sexuality

I was an empty weight. 

I was worthless and unworthy.

That feeling still lingers in me. 

I still feel scared to confront anyone or to speak up for myself. 

Those horrific twenty minutes affects me every day of my life.

It affects me to have a normal relationship with a man romantically, even though I deeply crave companionship and intimacy.

My story doesn’t seem to leave me.  It has haunted me for a long time.  I went through lulls of pain and grief.  I went through soul searching self-understanding.

I am proud to say that I’ve evolved into a different person.  I feel more comfortable with my vulnerability and sexuality.

When I was twenty-seven years old, I met a man online and began exchanging emails.  His name was Alex.  Our email exchange occurred for several months as he was out of the country traveling for work.  When he finally returned to the United States, we met up for our first date. 

Everything about that first date seemed perfect. 

It was raining profusely and Alex stood outside the restaurant holding a fresh bouquet of red roses.  My heart melted at the sight. 

We had a delicious dinner where the waiter mistook us as a couple celebrating our anniversary, spotting the red roses on the table.  After dinner, we watched a movie together and I felt waves of heat and chemistry wash me.

Alex had to make another trip out of the country, so we continued keeping in touch through emails.

As time wore on, I realized he was becoming aggressive and controlling.  He wanted to know where I was constantly despite being in different countries.  He would become angry if I didn’t respond fast enough.  Those seemed like little things to me, so despite my niggling feeling, I carried on.  I met up for a second date and finally a third date.

After rounds of appetizers and drinks, we decided to watch a movie at the theater.  I let Alex drive.  Though I had two to three drinks maximum, it was enough for me to feel the buzzing sensations of alcohol.  I had low tolerance for alcohol.  I trusted him to drive me to the theater safely.  After all, we had known each other for many months by then.

Upon arrival, Alex pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his car trunk and started drinking.  I insisted he stop drinking and head to watch the movie.  But he pulled me towards him and kissed me abruptly.

I was taken by surprise, but kissed him back.

As I kissed Alex, my belly stirred with an unfamiliar feeling.

I pulled my body back and pushed the car door open slightly.  Just enough for fresh air to blow in.  His mouth landed more kisses on my lips and face and with his hands tried to close the door I had just opened.  I reached for the door again and pushed it open.  He insisted to shut the door again, but I said I was feeling too hot in the car.  This pulsing inner sensation in my chest and stomach commanded me to keep the door open.

It was like my body warned me before I even realized what would unfold next. 

Alex jumped out of the car and screamed about his gigantic bank balance and multitude of properties he owned in the theater’s parking lot.  I was desperate and embarrassed by his boastful screaming as passersby walked to the theater.  Once I had calmed him and had him in the car again, I was about to suggest dropping the movie idea and calling it a night.  But within seconds, he pulled me towards him with force and kissed me wildly.  Then, he jumped on top of me.  His six feet frame crushed my five feet frame and exerting his full force on me, my body was being swallowed by his.  Air escaped my lungs.  I gasped for air and tried to stop him with my petite frame and sloppy movement.

I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember telling Alex I couldn’t breathe.  But he continued to force himself on me despite my words.  I repeated the words over and over, but he kept going.  I tried to yell as people were leaving the parking lot in their cars, but no one heard my muffled cries or saw my struggle.

Let me tell you how this feels.

I thought I was never going to breathe again.

I thought I was never going to see my family again.  I thought I was never going to see my dreams come true.

I thought about what would happen next with him on top of me.  I became numb and limb.  But my right arm somehow slipped out from our bodies’ entanglement and I pushed the car door open.

As Alex tried to close the car door, my mouth became free and I screamed.  Still no one came and I was engulfed with terror.  I thought about what would happen next.  I thought about him forcefully penetrating me, as he tore at my clothes.  Until the security guard came running towards me, his voice urgent, asking what happened.  Alex got up and dusted himself and pretended nothing happened.

The security guard asked me if I was alright and escorted me to my car.

I went home and fell asleep, holding myself tightly the entire night.  The next morning, my phone revealed fifty missed calls and dozens of text messages on my phone.  In the last ten hours.

I told my best friend and she encouraged me to report him to the police.  But I doubted myself and actually thought maybe he hadn’t attempted to sexually assault me.  Maybe it was all in my head and I was hallucinating.  Seeing me falling apart and having come out of a long-term relationship at the time, my best friend stopped persuading me to report Alex to the police.

Time wore on, but I couldn’t bring myself to take myself into the dating game again.  I couldn’t trust anyone.  I had no desire for sexual activity.  I had no desire for a man to touch me.  I withdrew into my shell. 

I had emotional breakdowns and outbursts often with my family.  I started to become emotionally and physically exhausted.  One night though, I realized I couldn’t keep living my life like this.  I was heading towards depression.  I had to get help.

My thirtieth birthday was approaching and I gave myself the gift of working with a love, sex, and desire coach to unravel deeply grained beliefs and patterns in me.  It was a confronting process where I not only dealt with this traumatic experience, but other experiences in my life that caused me to become closed off in my twenties.

I shed many tears processing emotions stored energetically in my body for years.  I learned to feel comfortable to reveal my vulnerabilities and ask for help and receive support.  Night after night, I stayed home and dug deep into my body to uncover my true feelings and receive answers through my body wisdom.  I saw with confronting clarity how my beliefs and fears played its patterns in my relationships with loved ones and men romantically.  I spent the large part of this year crying myself to sleep mostly, yet I’ve never felt as liberated and in touch with myself as I do today.

Working with a coach was the first step to help me to communicate and express myself to my family, and to the most important in the Universe, myself.  I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and catch a glimmer of hope in my eyes.  Tears of happiness fill my eyes because I see a completely new woman.  A woman who today celebrates her sexuality and vulnerability and is proud of the commitment she showed to her growth.

By embracing the dark, messy parts and shadows of myself, I’ve learn to love myself exactly as who I am with no conditions imposed.  As clichéd as that sounds, loving myself unconditionally and wholly has allowed to feel deeply present and welcome more love and abundance in all its divine forms (monetary, emotional, romantic) into my life.

Here are some words I’d like to leave you straight from the journal I kept while working with my coach:

During the session, my coach guided me to go deeper into my body.  I felt called to explore vulnerability.  I had the image of myself as a little girl.  As a child.  I saw myself with long, wavy black hair.  My natural hair.  No highlights or perm.  My soft skin and luscious large almond-shaped eyes carried a lot of innocence and vulnerability.  I felt emotions.  I was not numb. 

I felt emotion well up in my body and chest and throat.  I feel vulnerable.  I want to cry and feel lighter.  I feel intimate with myself.  I’ve never placed such intimate attention to how I’m feeling.  I realize that I love myself dearly.  A lot.  I feel worthy.  I showered my body with love, intimacy, affection, and attention.  This is what I want in a deeply loving committed relationship and from a man.  But first I must give this to myself.

 

Image source:  Accurate-Psychic Readings

By |2020-07-16T01:49:43+00:00September 18th, 2021|Desire, Transformation|0 Comments

Send Emails or Texts for Positive Energy and Prayers to Your Close Friends

I have a best friend who is in medical school. The journey that I started with myself this year, she too started.

Positive Energy Expands

Positive Energy Expands

Releasing All Fears

I am really proud of her for making beautiful progress in her career and personal life. She has been working on letting go of all sorts of fears that were in her and now I see her on a roll!

Lean On a Friend for Support

We both have been leaning on each other for support and guidance. Whether we just accomplished a milestone in our life or something even seemingly little like some cute guy asked us for our number, we dial each other up in a frenzy.

Other times, when we feel vulnerable, we share our feelings and talk it out. Have someone in your circle of friends, even if only one person, whom you can count on for unconditional support. Someone you know won’t judge you no matter what.

Send Out Emails or Texts for Gorgeous Energy

One of the best practices my best friend introduced me to was: Sending out emails or texts for prayers and good wishes. Whenever she has an exam in medical school, she sends out texts to her closest friends, asking us to pray and wish the best for her.

It’s such a beautiful way to connect to the gorgeous, sunny energy of your friends. People you know who have your back no matter what and only wish the very best.

Hold Each Other Accountable

Lastly, my best friend holds me accountable. Not so much for goals, but more like: Am I being true to myself? Am I working towards creating moments of happiness for myself? She literally asks me these questions! As soon as I get off the phone, I find myself filling with her brilliance and beauty.

How do you lean on your friends for support? How do you hold each other accountable? Please share with me in the comments.

By |2020-07-16T02:17:12+00:00September 15th, 2021|Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

I Desire a Man Who Stands Up For Me and Values My Gentleness, Softness, and Emotional Depth

Dear Reader,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what qualities I desire in a man.  I’d like him to be physically and energetically masculine.  I’d like him to take the lead in our relationship and be a strong personality.  Even though he’ll have a strong personality, I’d like him to be expressive and able to be vulnerable and give me the space and time to be myself and understanding of the fact that I may do things and think differently than him.

Feminine Woman living and standing in her truth and honesty

Feminine Woman living and standing in her truth and honesty

I don’t expect him to be perfect and I know there will be flaws and clashes with different personalities.  The MOST IMPORTANT quality is that he values my gentleness, softness, and emotional depth.  Instead of seeing it as a weakness or something to take advantage of.  That he sees these qualities in me as something to cherish and love deeply in me.  Me being an emotional woman is a strength.  Not a weakness for him to prey on.

The past couple months of this year have been spent on forgiving the men I’ve dated who haven’t given me what I wanted and desired deeply.  Perhaps I hadn’t given them what they desired, too.  Initially, I felt so much anger and rage at previous lovers.  I felt deep sadness and anger at myself, too.  I couldn’t understand how I had gotten every part of my life right and together.  Except for my personal romantic life.

This wasn’t true though, of course.  Through all my healing work particularly around my sexuality, I realized the deeply entrenched beliefs I carried in my heart and soul and body.  My mother and grandmother and who knows how many generations in both sides of my family carry the belief of being unworthy of love.  I didn’t realize I carried this in my cells. 

Slowly and slowly, I am realizing that I too deserve to be in love with a wonderful man who loves me for who I am and takes care of me and most of all, values my qualities of gentleness and softness in a world that is filled with pretension and manipulation and cruelty.

I am bohemian and old-fashioned at the same time and am so accepting of all kinds of people from all walks of life.  My soft presence brings him a soothing, healing, beautiful, sensual energy.  I desire to be so loved and accepted by him that I’m able to drop my emotional distance and walls.

My deepest desire in my life is for a man to stand up for me.  For someone to hold my hand and tell the world that I belong to him.  I want him to have the courage to be a man in every sense and stand up for me and in return, I will be the most sensual, enchanting, devoted, loyal, loving woman to him forever.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

By |2020-07-16T01:49:52+00:00September 14th, 2021|Desire, Ramblings, Romantic Advice, Transformation|0 Comments

I am Destined to be a Fiery, Seductive Actress and Artist and My Training Starts this August

Dear Reader,

I’ve known since I was a child that I was to be an actress when I grew up.  I know it with every fiber of my being and soul.  And this is now becoming a reality.  I notice how the Universe is moving me towards my destiny.  It doesn’t matter whether I want to do this or not.  This is not a decision I can make.  This is my destiny.  It is my calling.  It is my mission on this Earth.  I have come here to create transformation in women across the world through my creative and healing work.  Books, digital courses, writing, and acting in films. 

Becoming Intimate with My Sexuality to Become an Actress

Becoming Intimate with My Sexuality to Become an Actress

I have avoided for years and years to become an actress because I’m too afraid to be seen.  I don’t want to put myself out there.  Because I feel so much that I don’t know how to express it in words.  To my family.  To my friends.  Most of all, to my Beloved.  I have often read of actors and artists who say acting is incredibly therapeutic for them.  They take everything they feel and put it into their roles.  They breathe life into their characters who come alive with such fire and intensity on the big screen.

I remember doing a scene when I was in high school.  I was the geeky, awkward girl in high school.  I remember wanting to be pretty and known like the “cool” kids in high school.  We were asked to do a scene in front of the whole class.  Every single student.  We had to remember the lines.  We had to express the lines with emotion.  We had to become the character.

I honestly thought the “cool” kids would be able to pull it off so well because they are used to being seen and having all the attention.  To my surprise, most people in my class weren’t able to complete the scene.  It took several awkward tries for them.  Some froze before even starting.  When it came to my turn, I don’t think anyone expected anything from me.  I was the quiet, simple Indian girl after all.

I completed the scene in one take.  All lines said perfectly and with emotion and full expression.  It was such a simple scene and only ten minutes long.  In those ten minutes though, I felt myself transported.  I felt myself connected to the Divine.  To God.  My teacher looked at me with shock and so did the rest of the class 🙂  Everyone clapped their hands for me and even though my soul knew it, I couldn’t understand myself.  How was this so easy for me?  Why did this feel so familiar to me?  Why did this feel so spiritual for me?

I have found this very purpose in acting.  To allow me to be who I am.  To express who I am as a person.  To be as sensual and fiery and seductive as I truly am deep inside.  To take all my weirdness and package it into my art.  I am meant to be an actress.  I am meant to breathe life into characters and have them shine on the big screen with so much emotion and fire.

My training to be an actress starts this August.  As soon as I wrap up my sex coaching and therapy, I am diving deep into acting.  I am taking acting courses and training to be an artist.  I am enrolling in a dance studio to learn the craft of dance, specifically Tango, Ballroom, and Latin styles.  I am taking all that passion and pouring it into my characters and dance.

And, all of 2019, I continue my training to be an actress and simultaneously I’ll begin auditioning for parts and characters in films.  I have no idea where this will all take me, though I’m willing to give my dream a chance.  To give my soul a chance to express herself.  To be who I am born to be.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

 

Image source:  la Repubblica PARMAit

By |2020-07-16T01:50:29+00:00September 14th, 2021|Desire, Life Balance, Transformation|0 Comments

I am A Very Passionate & Seductive Woman Underneath my Reserved and Guarded Facade

Dear Reader,

It is difficult to open my heart.  Because I don’t trust anyone easily.  I feel guarded and reserved.  I know what I have to offer to a masculine man. 

My definition of a masculine man is not just someone physically masculine and assertive, it also includes a man in touch with his softness, vulnerability, and emotions.  To me, this is a real man.  A man who takes ownership and responsibility for his actions and decisions and especially mistakes and can see someone else’s point of view in addition to his.

A real man is someone who doesn’t rely on manipulation and games to achieve his aims because when he is truly connected to his manhood deeply, there is no need.  Everything speaks for itself.  His actions speak for itself.  A man with the highest level of standards, integrity, and character for himself and the woman he chooses to be with.

I have so much to offer to my sexy, loving Beloved.  I don’t jump into anything impulsively, especially a relationship.  I like to take my sweet time and if he is the right man for me, then he shall wait for me 🙂  I have that much confidence in myself and I believe the courtship and seduction must happen elegantly and slowly so the process is filled with deep pleasure, sensuality, and joy.  Something precious is always worth waiting for, yes? 😉

I am becoming my truth and embodying the divine feminine so I can set us both free in our divine sensual encounters.  There is fire inside me.  All it takes is one touch and one look to set my body on fire.  But I keep that fire reserved for only the man who is worthy of it.  Until he does not prove to me he is a true man in every sense, I will cultivate my sensual fire deep in my body and keep it warm and burning.  Once the flood gates of my heart and body open, it is because you will have deserved it and are worthy of my sexual energy, love, affection, and attention.  You will have touched the deepest corners of my soul.

I have spent the time honoring what could have been and processing my shame around my sexuality.  Now I am ready to learn the intricacies of seduction and my sexuality.  I am exploring what touch feels good on my body and the gaze of the eyes and the movement of the body all plays a unified role in seduction.  I am now ready to express my my sexuality.  Express my wild woman.  I want to express who I am deep inside that I’ve kept hidden since childhood.  I know I am a Sex and Sensual Goddess since childhood because this is my portal to connect to the Universe and the Divine.

My walls…my guarded and reserved nature is to test you.  To see how far you can rise to become the man you are meant to be.  To become your highest form.  It is to see how far you are willing to reach deep inside your soul to reflect true manhood, character, and courage.  To face your wounds and weaknesses with bravery.  Because I won’t settle for anything else.  

I desire to open my heart and body to the right masculine man and I’m preparing to become a sensual Goddess to surrender to you.  Because when that time comes, I will be prepared.  I will know it is right.  I will know that I am ready.  When I open my heart, I open everything to you.  My bliss, pain, wildness, rage, joy, love…everything.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

By |2020-07-16T01:50:21+00:00September 11th, 2021|Desire, Ramblings, Transformation|0 Comments

The Beauty of Surrendering to Your Silence

My day today has been particularly busy and chaotic. I started off the morning by hopping out of bed and jumbling down the stairs wearing my pajamas. (I recently started a new position which is work from home, hence why I started work in my pajamas…) Anyway, I had a meeting fixed at nine this morning. My stomach rumbled with hunger and nervousness.

Surrendering to Silence

Surrendering to Silence

I said what I had to say during the meeting and then checked my emails. Suddenly, I received several calls and I took care of them. For some reason, everything seemed to hurl at me once today.

Feeling Overwhelmed…

I felt disarmed with everything hurling towards me. I felt my energy become scattered and doubt creeping through my body. My mind was clouded with thoughts bristling about: What the heck are you doing? You don’t know anything! You’ll get through today. Just be patient.

Gosh, there were dozens of thoughts, both positive and negative, swirling in my head!

Well past after five this evening, I was still working. The clocked ticked 5:45 and finally I had sent out the last email.

Clearing My Head

I made dinner quietly and ate it. But I was still taken aback and disturbed. I had focused a great deal this year on self development and self love. I had gratitude journaled, said my affirmations, and meditated. Why was I still then feeling overwhelmed when everything came at me like a rocket? Was my self not strong enough? Did I need to do more healthy practices in addition to the ones I’m doing already?

Took a Deep and Nourishing Nap

I was pondering these questions, when my body just gave in. I had been working nonstop and making time for social and family commitments. My body was whispering (ever so loudly though!) to give me some attention and love. And so I fell asleep. I don’t remember what I dreamed about, but I do remember feeling immensely sweet, light, and free.

When I woke up, it was late evening. Clearly, I had overslept. I took a jog around my apartment complex. After the run, I just sat in silence on my couch. My roommate was not yet home, so I loosened my shoulders and let my energy soak my body.

I realized then the silence felt real and raw. I surrendered to the silence and closed my eyes. It was like my inner soul’s light was shining out and healing me. This is me. Right now. At this very moment. I felt beautiful. 

Silence Sharpens Our Clarity & Creates Deep Self-Awareness

My mind became so still that I was able to feel deeply. I became deeply aware that in that moment, a thought formed and became crystal clear. It was refreshing and beautiful.

My mind had been scrambling thinking about all that I had to do and feeling overwhelmed. But when I surrendered to silence, I tapped into my inner self and let it guide me gently. I felt reassured and happy by my own self, instead of something external. I was my own source of happiness and peace.

We are always caught up in doing or saying something. Always in action mode. Sometimes, the very thing our soul craves is for us to surrender to our silence, so we can revel in the beauty of our soul. All the answers to our questions lies in us.

Practice Silence

After this experience, I am going to allocate some time everyday to be still and surrender to silence, even for five minutes. I want to incorporate this into my daily practice. Whenever I feel frazzled, I have everything I need to feel healed and comfortable within myself.

How have you dealt with feeling overwhelmed and unbalanced? How does surrendering to silence make you feel? Please share with me in the comments.

By |2020-07-16T02:17:18+00:00September 10th, 2021|Life Lessons, Ramblings|3 Comments

I am Undergoing Therapy for My Past and Brokenness I’ve Carried for Years

Dear Reader,

When you meet me, I have a calm face.  My eyes are a deep brown and I won’t express much how I’m feeling.  But if you truly want to know me, you can look into my eyes.  My body has been carrying years of shame and brokenness.  I’m trying to move past these feelings by working with a Sex Coach and a Therapist.

Diving Deep Into Your Past By Working with a Therapist

Diving Deep Into Your Past By Working with a Therapist

There is a distinct difference between coaching and therapy.  I have worked with my share of coaches.  Coaching is all about being focused on your present and future and how to move forward with ease to your desired vision.  Therapy is about diving deep into the past.  It’s about going to those experiences that you’ve tucked away and wanted to forget.  I haven’t worked with a therapist until now.  I made the decision to work with a therapist along side with my Sex Coach because sometimes, the only way to move forward is going back to your past and making peace with it.

Therapy is an interesting experience where I simply sit and talk about how I’m feeling and go deeper into specific experiences in my life.  I fell in love two times.  The first time I fell in love was with a man eighteen years older than me.  We were together for four years.  He is the love of my life.  I gave my virginity to him as a token of our deep love.  We shared so much in common.  Our intellectual curiosity.  He is 6’3″ and yet a gentle, sweet, sensitive giant.  In terms of temperament, he is a good match for me, gentle and sensitive.  I remember how much he focused on little things for me.  Like serving me food and telling me how beautiful I looked and noticing when I wore a nice dress or did my nails.  The little things never escaped him.  And being a Taurean woman, that touches my heart deeply.  The simple gestures and moments win my heart.

But ultimately, his indecisiveness and commitment phobia unraveled our relationship.  I found that difficult.  It took me a long time to process this experience.  I’m not in love with him anymore, but I still love him.  I don’t think love goes away for someone you love.  It may have changed and you may not be in love, but our hearts are resilient this way.  I’m sure he loves me today, too.  He is the man with whom I wrote my first book and my creativity flourished.  But him not taking a stand and standing up for our relationship pained me greatly.  I feel shame and awkwardness at also admitting that I didn’t have the title of girlfriend with him.  I had to move forward and I did.  But it took much time and I’m exploring this experience in my therapy.

Then, I fell in love with another man.  A man who is fourteen years older than me.  I had known him when I was 22 and he was 36.  There is a soulful connection.  Like we are soulmates.  Like we know each other from a past life.  There is a deep knowing between us.  Our temperaments are greatly different.  He has a fiery, direct personality.  Whereas I am more subdued, passive, and charming.  He has his own painful past and doesn’t seem to have gotten past it.  And I fell in love deeply because he was the opposite.  He was decisive and wanted a family and wife and home of his own.  This was something I wasn’t used to.  But I had my own past and our pasts and fears collided.  However, we healed each other a lot and I feel I’m on the right path because of him.

One of the most painful experiences I had was with this man.  When I went to visit him and being screamed at and kicked out of his place.  I’m certain he was under drugs’ influence at the time and combined with him being laid off and his deep insecurity and rage with his life led to this.  But it was one of the most intense experiences of my life.  Not in a good way.  I didn’t feel accepted and I felt insulted and not honored and respected by him.  Today, I genuinely feel scared of him if I see him.  I don’t think I have the courage to say anything to him.

I had another experience of a sexual assault attempt on me and I don’t want to go into detail with all this, though all these experiences in my life combined has led me to have an explosion.  I feel so much that I don’t understand myself and my soul.  My body has carried so much all these years.  I feel scared of men and yet all I want so much is to be loved by a masculine man with integrity and character.  When I get close to finding love and opening my heart, I shut down.  I feel incredibly scared that I don’t know what to do or how to react.

The truth is I’m scared of falling in love now.  My mind equates it to being hurt.  But this is not true at all.  The truth is love is beautiful, true, real, pure, and unconditional.  Love is the purest bond that two people share.  I’m looking for my Beloved.  I decided to do therapy so I can become a more whole woman for him who has healed her wounds.  I want him to fall in love with a whole woman.  Not a broken woman.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

By |2020-07-16T01:50:12+00:00September 7th, 2021|Life Lessons, Transformation|0 Comments

A Sensual Fire Burning Inside Me…Slowly Being Initiated Into Womanhood

There is a sensual fire burning inside me.  I keep that fire alive inside me every day.  I’m conscious of the sexual energy circulating throughout my body.  I feel my passion with every fiber of my body and being.  In my previous post, I wrote about how I’m struggling and having a sexual awakening.

Discovering my sensuality and womanhood and learning how to be a more whole, complete woman

Discovering my sensuality and womanhood

There has been a throbbing pain in my chest and heart area for weeks.  And I felt numb in the rest of my body.  But now, I’m starting to feel more of my body and my self.  I laugh and smile more often.  There is still fear and chaos and confusion, but it doesn’t grip me as much as it did weeks ago.  I’ve been working on feeling the energy and releasing it from my body and chakras.  I feel lighter. 

I’m still in my cocoon taking care of myself, loving myself, holding myself while I undergo this sexual and spiritual transformation.  There is something very spiritual about the sexual awakening I’m having.  My soul is telling me this is exactly what is needed for me to evolve and transform into the next level and phase of my life.

I have completed much spiritual work in the past three years.  In every part of my life.  Love, desire, creativity, money, body, food, health, manifesting.  Practically everything.  The only piece I hadn’t focused on was my sexuality.  The one part of my life that I didn’t feel adult and like a woman was in my sexuality.

I realized I never became a woman.  I’ve been involved romantically and thought I would be taught everything on how to be a woman by these men.  Without realizing, I played the damsel in distress role to perfection.  It was my specialty.  I no longer want to play this role.  I’m receiving much insight into why I’m attracted to who and how and why.  I realize that I’m empowered and responsible for healing and exploring my own sexuality.  I’m responsible for enjoying and EXPRESSING my sexuality and sensuality.

At this moment, I’ve been releasing a lot of pent up energy in my body.  But so many questions tug at me.  I still spontaneously burst into tears and feel my heart opening up.  There is pain buried inside.  That I’ve kept inside for some time.  In discovering my sexuality, I am discovering myself.  This is such a deep and intense process.  This initiation into womanhood is opening my heart.  So much love is flowing out.  I want to take some of that watery love and give it to myself.

The questions that my soul ask me are: Why are you undergoing this initiation into womanhood?  Why are you feeling so much?  Why is your heart so fragile and soft?  Why do you cry so much?  Why don’t you believe you are worthy and deserving of everything you want desire?  Why don’t you believe you are worthy of true love and intimacy with your Beloved?  How are you going to find clarity in your life?  Why is this sexual transformation painful and beautiful at the same time?

I’m going to take more time and ponder these questions.  I feel thankful for everything in my life and for feeling my body.  For realizing that I’m capable of having a healthy sexuality.  That I too am beautiful, erotic, fiery, wild, soft,  and ravishing.  For now, I go to write in my journal and sleep.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

Image source:  Dance Poise

By |2020-07-16T01:50:02+00:00September 5th, 2021|Desire, Transformation|0 Comments
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